Sunday, October 28, 2007

Time for an Update........

It's time, I think, for me to revisit the Reasons for this site's existence. Here's the basics:

I started this blog as a semi-private arena to work out some very troublesome mental, spiritual and emotional issues that I, in my ignorant bliss, had been unaware of.

The pain of a family being torn apart, blaming myself, and yet not really seeing what I had done that was so..........Horrible. I wanted to Understand. I quit drinking, started Counseling, began Meditation......all in the hopes that I would "figure it out".

That she would see the hard work aand sincerity of purpose and agree to couple counseling to save and make beter a union of twenty years. I made progress. Then the diagnosis of ADD. Holy crap, what a surprise that was.

I was given a tool in my Quest that has been a missing part since I was eighteen years old......Focus. Now, not only could I do the pyscho-spiritual work became Clear. And most importantly, it stuck to what has been my Teflon Brain.

Things have changed since this site's inception. Where I Desperately needed my wife to Love me, Now the only thing I Need is to Love my Cubs.

Where I wanted to Save the Marriage, now I wish to keep this Divorce on the most Civil of terms, dare I say "friendly", for the Cubs.

Because of my work, and this miraculous new Focus, I've quit beating myself up with blame. I was broken, in fact I guess I still am, as we All are. I wish the best for her. She has got a lot of work to do on herself besides updating her wardrobe.
(sorry, but sarcasm intended).

I can't expend the psychic energy on her. I'l love her in a way, but.....

I Am Done With Her. Emotionally, mind you. I shall be kind, but it's time to end this. Because, just when I think it's "safe"........Bammo, someone hits the start button on the roller coaster again.......I need to secure a solid future for myself, and thus my Cubs. I'll have the most "expendable" income to help out in beginning their young adult lives.....

Then, another Really surprising thing is that I actually have a readership. Aaagh. People are reading my innermost thoughts.........quite the humbling experience.

I've seen the tenor of the writing change. Where I "say" in my profile that this is letting my mind out to play........I now see that. Where when I began, this was Work, now it really is Fun.....most of the time. Thanks Folkes for helping to make that happen.

So there you go. I want the ADD to permeate the writing, I hope you understand, because it's such a part of who I, and others like me, am. I really don't edit these things at all, except friggin' spell check...which Hates me. I want other people to see how the "Bouncing Brain" works.

It's not a curse..........and as one of my Dearest readers has said, "It's by gosh not uninteresting".

I'll back in a few. I've come quite a ways since this began. I've got quite a ways to go because ...

It's a Journey, not a destination.


Rose said...

Do you agree with the ADD diagnosis?

Howlsatmoon said... to respond? Hadn't even thought about it.....

I am in full blown Wizard mode right now, having taken the entire weekend as a Muggle patch Holiday.

The difference in my thought patterns was absolutely astounding the first couple weeks.

It's mellowed quite a bit from there, but I suspect that the "Newness" has worn off.

My ADD is, according to the Doc, probably trauma induced. Two pretty severe fractures causes interesting changes, I suppose.

What I do know is that my meditation helped my focus quite a bit, but then with the patch.....

Here, imagine a TV with "picture in picture". That, for argument is the "muggle" brain. Main thought is Mr. Ed in reruns, But the pop draws your attention away to the Red Sox game. You watch it a bit, and then....Right back to Wilbur.

Wizard mode, then, is having SEVEN pops, and they're all the same size, and each one is equally's best summed up by..."Now What was I doing?"

Hard, sometimes impossible, to get back to your main focus. A real life example.....OK, it's fairly obvious that I am a realatively Prolific, if not good, writer.

In the last twenty years, I have purchased and started close to twenty Journals. Each has precisely Two entries, and I was distracted by something else to do.

Now, I can't Stop writing. I don't let other things get me off target.
I love it, and to Finally answer your very astute question, Yup, I think it's correct.

Now don't get me wrong...ADD in many ways has been a Major boon to me. Drop me into a hostile area, and I'm the go to guy, six or seven plans and backups and adaptability up the wazoo.

Emergency situations, high stress immediate reaction problems are my bread and butter.

Relationships, though? I think that if it's accepted up front, and I continue treatment, meds or just meditation, stay away from too much alcohol.....I can be a pretty darn good life partner.

Kinda like this goofy litle "Glitchin the Matrix",(copy write pending). If you Know ahead of time that it's gonna be quirkey, it makes it more enjoyable.

"What am I in the mood for tonight?" Don't know? Bipp on over to Wollf's place.....there'll be Something you don't expect.

Oh yeah, when off the meds, and on Holiday, I tend to ramble, can you believe it?

Thanks, Rose

PS, I noticed the thread finally died at 72.....sheesh

Rambling Rose said...

Wonderful post!

Rose said...

Heh. Yeah, Wollf, the guy is sleeping it off, I think. He'll be back. Thanks for the back up.

Yeah - I wondered about the ADD. Seems like it usually used to put males back in the box when they are designed for exactly what you describe (successful ones, anyway), being dropped into a hostile situation and coming out on top (or alive).

Different place and time, it would be a different story - but - just wondered. Lotta kids diagnosed and on meds, and you can't ask them, or they can't articulate how it makes things different or better - or not.