Sorry, there was just a "touch" of "funny" left over from the last post, below. I thought I'd rid myself of it, checked my e-mail, and in the Wink of an Eye.......Funny, all over again. Shake it off, Wollf. Ok, I've gotten hold of myself.
Remember the "Farewell" post a couple weeks ago? I've been thinking about it and some other words that were said, and I realized that I hadn't completely worked them through. Let's start all over, all serious and stuff.
The thorns which I have reap'd are of the tree
I planted; they have torn me, and I bleed.
I should have known what fruit would spring from such a seed.
~George Gordon, Lord Byron, Childe Harold's Pilgrimage
Remember those posts filled with Angst? Feel the pain that was oozing from my every pore as I tried to get my mind wrapped around what was happening to me? I go back and re-read one or two quite often.
More than that is more than I can bear. I don't want to be that injured animal again. I particularly get insight when I reread "my CLOSED ON ACCOUNT OF DIVORCE" posts.
The three distinct feelings running rampant through my battered Soul such a short time ago. Humor as Defense, Melancholy Acceptance, Animal Rage. All there, jumbled up in one Human Being. I suppose we're all like that to some degree. I don't want to ever be that again.
We have to aim for Humor as Insight, Joyful Acceptance, Righteous Anger. We can't always, or maybe Ever achieve those Goals.......but it seems a good start.
Whew........And I haven't even gotten to the point yet. The words that I've been Pondering, that Mrs. P, whom I "thought" was the Love of my Life spoke were....
My stars, maybe from her perspective I was, or maybe am. Maybe the Truth is that I was.
If so, It was of my own doing. I planted the seeds that tore me and made me bleed. And I was left with only the bitter fruit that the vine supplied. I didn't see the Balance.
I was simply, Responsible. Responsible in the extreme, perhaps. Responsible like the Sire that raised me. Up at the crack, make a good living, too dam tired to interact by the time he got home..
"Wanna play ball,Dad?", I'd say. "I'm your Father, not your playmate.", he'd retort.
Never heard my parents fight. If there was a hint of animosity, it sent shivers up my spine. Because I somehow Knew that it was all a facade, that one day it would all blow up. Real People weren't like that.
Responsible in concern. Never, except for brief "glimpses" talked about what I did before I met her. It would worry her, I thought. Worried about her laissez faire attitude toward her own safety. She has rarely felt threatened because she has never experienced threat.
I have. In ways that I, having experienced, still find incomprehensible. I over compensated. What I thought was "just" concern, she may have felt was smothering.
Honor, Responsibility, Country, God.
In Moderation. Am I boring? Am I interesting? Hmmm, You might think so. But you're seeing the reborn Wollf, truly seeing life as through the eyes of my cubs.
She refuses to see this Man. I truly doubt she will ever read these essays. I doubt she has any interest. It's ok, I've accepted that. A new chapter, a new beginning.
A new Perception. Too bad for her. I "suppose" there will be another Woman in my life. Heck, there are. And I'm thankful.
In Excess. Was I boring or uninteresting before I let myself be "tamed"? Not by any means. I have always been able to do whatever to the extreme that circumstance required. But even excess needs to be moderated. I have Adventured, suffice to say.
So the questions that rise......will I change? Will I compromise my self inflicted Duty to Honor, Responsibility, Country or God?
NOT ON MY LIFE. But do I see things from a different angle? Can I let go of the "worry" that I have for the Peple that I Love? Yes, I think so. I will be Much more cognizant of the fortes and foibles of the next Woman that I become involved with.
And I will simply be...........Wollf. Accept him as he is, because he isn't anything else. This time I'll buy stronger seeds and tend the garden with all my Soul.
I can take a couple thorns so long as the fruit is sweet.
Rambling, semi-sensical, train of thought, had to get it out Bravo Sierra complete.
Boy-oh, That was a long one. Should I edit for once? Nope.
That, my friends, would be Boring.
G'nite, Back to happy Wollf tomorrow, (wink)