It just seems to be getting a little late to write up a post, and I'm down right exhausted.
Went for a walk to clear my Soul. I wrote what may be my last relational e-mail to Mrs. P. That was a bit rough. Said everything that was on my heart. I had to get it out in order to feel Honorable about this last step that is now inevitable.
I had a bit of an apostrophe last nite. I was driving home from a short Night Hike and stopped in at the "hangout" for a drink. Non alcoholic, don't you be concerned, and it hit me.
Now this might sound crass, but I felt of a sudden as though I'd been paroled, set free, that I was finally able to be and do and think Any G-dammed thing that I want to........Here it was, 2130 hrs, Monday nite, and I just plain stopped in to say hey to the boys.......
No one to check with, no one to explain to.......just me and whatever I feelt like doing. Kind of a wow moment. I'm going to stay this way. Not necessarily single,mind you.......but Free. Wollf as he is. That is what some poor Woman with a good heart is going to get one of these days.
And that's why the letter. I put all of me into it. It was by no means a plea. I left this situation in her hands and let her know that I would be ok. I have tried to mend this for the sake of the Family. I've accepted that I can't.
I've had the last word. Anybody wants to see it, I'm debating putting it up on my noon blog.........maybe too private a bunch of thoughts and feelings to share with my readers / friends. But it would Feel So Good!!!
What do you think? Comment, and I'll listen.
Goodnite
Bad taste in my mouth. Wollf ate a Troll tonite. Tasted good, smelled of roses.
Wollf
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4 comments:
Freedom to be who you are - whether in a relationship or not. Sounds good to me. Kahlil Gibran said it better than I ever could when he said "Let there be spaces in your togetherness."
But..."Freedom, O-oh freedom, that's just some people talkin'....
Our prison is walkin',
Through this world all alone...."
Melancholy, huh? Cuz I just ate too much bad food....
Wollf
You did good, Wollf.
You have to write that letter if for no other reason than your own soul. You cannot let this thing die without giving it everything you can think of because if you don't, you'll think back and wish you did.
I went way above and beyond what everyone, including my priest, suggested and I've finally gotten to the point where I am at peace with how things ended.
But I am only at peace because I exhausted every conceivable means of keeping the thing alive. Had I looked out only for me, I would have had to rationalize my behavior and in that rationalization I would have forever closed the door on a part of my good side.
Once you begin to rationalize selfish behavior, it's hard to return to good behavior because that return requires that you unwind those rationalizations, forcing you to admit that you gave up too soon in looking out for yourself.
One more piece of advice. You're alone and hurt right now. Ride it out. In six months you will be someone utterly different than who you are right now whether you get involved with a woman or not. It's unfair to her because you will be going through a metamorphosis that will totally change the person she would be starting the relationship with right now.
Friends, even friends on blogs are far more important than lovers now. We can't fill that hole, but filling that hole has to be done by you, not someone else.
Harsh advice, I know. As a friend of mine say, "Life is hard."
Yup, and thanks, KT. Absolutely the direction I'm aiming for.
I read this comment a while ago, and just now felt I needed to read it again.
I Still have no idea what MrsP's thinking......but I realize that I don't have to.
All I can do is Require myself to be Honorable in this thing. For the Cubs. For Me. For her.
I won't give her the farm, but I Will ensure that she gets her "fair share" in order that the Cubs are taken care of at Both houses.
As for Women? Hmmmm, I am getting the Distinct impression lately that I am a desirable "asset" for many Ladies' "portfolio".
I'll take my time. Thanks
Wollf
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