Finishing the Friday blog

Well, what happened, it seems, is that I forgot to save before posting. Lost the second half!!



So, but for once in the interest of brevity....a synopsis of what was lost. Good thing the memory is better.

I've been a distant, depressed man for probably the last 5 years of my marriage to the beautiful Mrs.P. When my brother died, thanks to agent orange back in the 60's I kinda slid. Started thinking of all the things you do when mourning. The what if's and why's and of course the shocker to all men's systems of the realization of one's Own mortality.

Than my daughter, 3 1/2 years ago. I couldn't deal with it. Mrs.P tried to help in her way and I'm sure with all she could. All I heard was to basically nut up, get counseling and move on. She said she wasn't qualified to help me work through it. Honest woman. Unfortunately, I took that as rejection of my hurt.

Well, that's when I discovered that alcohol is another form of self medication. ADD causes sometimes unbearable background chatter in your head. Definitely unbearable when that chatter is about your little girl. Mind you, I rarely drank to excess, but every day, after work, 4 or 5 beers would shut up some of the thoughts.

Alcohol and untreated ADD, combined with a depressive state DO NOT MIX. Like a tee shirt we've all seen on a redneck, "Instant A$$hole, Just add Beer". When completely sober, even in the depressed state, I could usually see when I was going over the line. With the booze, the first thing to pop to mind from my subconscious comes out my mouth.

Everything's a Reaction instead of a thoughtful Response. It was hell for Mrs. P. I Couldn't see it. I really had no idea.

She wouldn't, couldn't express to me in ways I'd understand that my behaviour was unacceptable. She couldn't count on my Response. Sometimes I might be right on, but sometimes I was just plain Hurtful. She hid her feelings from me even more than her natural tendencies did.

Until the Nuke that we've discussed before. I'd been worried and scared and a bit angry at her for something "not to be discussed" on this blog, my depression was waning, and I Heard her.

BOOM. Here I am. Treated, undepressed, much more spiritual, patient, upbeat, energetic and Kind. A better place than I've ever been. Focused, understanding and slow to anger.

But , without the Love of my Life. All I can do is try to make these last years up to her. I don't think I can apologize any more.

Difficult thing for her to do, set aside the hurt I've caused her and just allow herself to experience me as I am now.

Difficult thing for me. I hope I'm up to this one year plan. I'm thinking straight now, but I can still sense that I'm not so good at seeing this through for a year long separation. I may be upbeat, and Better, but I still avoid emotional pain and move to something more comfortable.

That's one of the reasons for this blog. It's an outlet for my "Feelings". My way of Howling at the Moon. Sometimes in Despair. Sometmes in Joy. Sometimes sumpthin in between. It sems to help. AND, I remember to do it.

I've bailed out and run before. I don't want to do that again.

Try to love me, Mrs.P.

Gota get the cubs up and fed.