Awright awready, last night was a bit of an eye opener for me regarding my relationship. I go back and read these things to help me to understand where I am on this quest of mine.
Actually kinda surprised me on the reread. I knew that I was annoyed, but I hadn't consciously left out the Beautiful in Mrs.P's name. Hmmmmm. Musta been thinking about a different kind of beauty than the physical. Cuz, although she truly is a good lookin' woman on the outside, the poor thing is a busted up bit of machinery on the inside.
Sure, I readily admit that I have not been a help to her there in the last few years, but I'm getting a whole lot better at Understanding.
She has said over and over that she wants to be Happy.
I can't make her Happy.
Her cubs can't make her Happy.
Another man can't make her Happy.
NOTHING can make her Happy.
Only herself. You, yes you out there in anonymousland, want to be Happy?
Friggin' Choose to be Happy. Only she can do it. Only You can do it. You have to figure out Exactly who you really are. You have to be able to look at yourself, flaws, sins, history, lies, fantasies.............and Accept yourself. Like Yourself. Love yourself for who You Are.
Accept Where you are, look around your space and find the things that help you be Happy. Sometimes we have Responsibilities that don't make us Happy. Tough shi-ite. Be happy in the other things, show Honor in your responsibilities and you'll find what you need.
And besides, "Happy" is just a word. Don't get obsessed with it or you'll do anything to get it. Remember the earlier lesson on not Needing what you Love? Just like the Beautiful Mrs.P. She wants to be Happy so badly that she's willing to do almost anything to get it, including hurting this family apart.
That she "lost" her love for me I can and will deal with. That she's willing to destroy the unit without working with me.....it's too much to bear. Maybe, quite possibly, she's a whole Lot smarter than I, in realizing that we have to start out apart in order to be together.
There goes the eternal optimist in me again.
Just find the little joys in where you are right now. It'll take you leaps and bounds down the trail of your quest.
I have. With hard work, and I mean Hard work and a lot of help from modern miracle medicine.
Joy is exactly where we are. In your child's messy room, in a sink full of dishes, in your Family and your friends. Just open your eyes to it and embrace it like you would a lover. Overwrite your bad memories with good. Get over it.
Not sure why, but I'm feeling a bit better. Chalk this post as Blinding Insight. Just wish I could write stream of consciousness more literately.
Oh yeah, Eff USC.
No particular reason, except they just friggin' Spanked the Huskers. Ouch! They are the real deal Again.
Peace to Mrs.P. Love too.
Wollf
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