Home Improvement....Rodent Removal......

I had been having a running battle with Jihadi Ground Squirrels in my back yard for over six months. Our house was across the street from an expansive field that was heavily populated with the critters, and they had taken a liking to my little back yard vegetable garden, and the relative looseness of the soil under my lawn.

I tried all of the standard remedies, and a few that were not by any means "standard". The Squirrel is a relentless foe. It started out as a grass roots movement on their part to supplement their Squirrelly larders, and make a better life for their families.

I understood their motives, and had to applaud their resilience to the hundreds of dollars worth of "Squirrel be Gone" products that I implemented against them. Gofer Gassers, Black Holes, Live Traps, Dead Traps....nothing seemed to stem the tide across the Border of my fence line.

I had holes inside of holes in my lawn, and it was time to finally give up the stopgap security measures and launch a full scale Military Operation. I'm good at those, you know. Flooding the holes with a garden hose didn't phase 'em, the silly a$$ gas sticks didn't put out enough toxic cloud to get the job done........

Tim Allen came to mind. What would the "Most Manly" of all Home Improvement do? He would call for more....more....more power.

I had a brilliant, yet simple plan. K.I.S.S. is the Military acronym for "Keep It Simple, Stupid". After work, I brought home a fifty gallon tank of welding acetylene.
I figured that.....

1) Acetylene is heavier than air....thus, when I opened the valve by the hole, the gas would flow down the endless tunnels......and

2) It's deadly toxic. Asphyxiated Squirrel Jihadis in their pre-dug graves. No muss, no fuss, and best of all....no more Squirrels.

I was a Genius! Wollf danced with glee as the tank emptied its contents into the ground. There was a third thing about acetylene that for some ADD reason escaped me.....I celebrated my victory a bit too early.

The gas was heavier than air. The Squirrels were mobile, and they didn't like the smell. I looked around and saw what must have been a dozen Rodent Radicals staring at me from the openings to their warrens.

They wouldn't leave the holes, I was there, and they wouldn't go back down and suffocate like good varmints. Jihadis. Indoctrinated Squirrels, Illegal Immigrant Squirrels.......It was too much, I took action.

I'd scare them back down into their holes! I had a firecracker on the gazebo, just the trick.....I lit it.....I tossed it....

And I immediately remembered that third thing.

Folkes, to say that the gas acetylene is combustible is quite the understatement. The explosion underground lifted my back yard two feet into the air, catapulted me down the hill and through the neighbors fence,(sorry Randy), and shot flaming Squirrels high into the air.

It is an absolute miracle that no flaming Squirrels caught the neighborhood on fire, that I wasn't killed, and to tell the truth...that my house was still standing.
I had a very nice conversation with the Sheriff's Deputies that showed up, explaining what had gone awry in my plan.

I must admit that I didn't cop to the firecracker.......it was just an unforeseeable accidental explosion by misadventure.....I was read the riot act, made to feel like the complete and total idiot that I was, and they decided that it was too funny to arrest me for.

I s'pose so, my face looked like I had lit an exploding cigar. The ExP's house down the hill has a severely cracked slab, and it cost me a thousand dollars to repair some footing damage.......all in all, quite the bad choice with the gas and the firecracker.......except:

No Squirrel has dared to enter that yard in over eight years. Peace through superior fire power. Gimme an Ooh Rah!

But I know Squirrels. They're out there, across the street in their caves waiting. They know that I've withdrawn, and have left only a token peacekeeping force in the form of the male Cubs. They have long memories, those Squirrels......

Damm...
Don't friggin EVER try this at home. The BOOM is very large, indeed.
That is all. Check for acetylene, then smokes if you got 'em...
Wollf