Friday, May 30, 2008
This seemingly offhanded question, proffered two evenings ago, has caused me great consternation. What a wonderful, Joyful, and painful experience meditating on it has been so far. I wasn't even able to write last night.....
It's a serious question, and in order to answer it, a person must Understand not only who they are.....which I feel that I'm succeeding at...but also how they became who they are....hopefully that made a bit of sense.
A reminder. The question, "What was the defining moment of my life?" I am going to attempt to share all of them that I am legally and morally able....one per writing. I take this one quite seriously. To the point that I am committing an hour per day to thinking on it, and removing distractions....celibacy anyone?
Grandfather died. I was sixteen years old. He was my spiritual and emotional guide, teacher and Friend. I had never experienced the visit of Death before. It hit me like a chill and merciless wind, cutting through my soul....it left me empty for a time.
And I thought. I realised that funerals were for the living, not the dead, that life was a finite thing, that stories of dying with dignity were just that. Death leaves you....dead.
Some People go to the void with their G-ds name on their lips, some go whimpering and begging, some angrily cursing their fates....but go we must. Grandfather was not "brave" about facing the eternal. Neither was he cowardly.
He just was. No last words to quote, just a serene acceptance that he would be no more.........was that dignity? I think I learned that we are here for both a long time and a short time. We should make it count somehow.
There is Defining Moment number one.......I learned a bit about, and met Death for the first time. Grandfathers serenity taught me not to fear it....not at all....a part of who I am. Not fearless by any means, but unconcerned about my Own death.
He'll come and visit me again one day, twenty...thirty some years. Maybe tomorrow. I don't need to worry about it.....because that's just a silly waste of time.