I am Soooo going to Hell...........

No....srsly....you see, Dragn, as Catholic as I,got a present of a New Standard Bible from a dear friend, the wife of the Pastor....yup, Protestant....that is going to marry us.....and Hooo=Boy. I started reading.....

I've said before that I consider myself an Old Testament Christian, you know, "eye for an eye, wrathful G-d" sort of stuff....and I realised....well reconfirmed that I, especially with my Catholic upbringing, Purgatory, and my readings of Dante....I am just plain goin' to Hell.

Because it says in the Old Testament...

* eat fruit from a tree less than five years old. [Lev. 19:23]......I planted a Beverly Hills apple, and I was so excited when it came to fruit that I ate the heck out of those nasty, tart little beasties......*shoulda made pie*

* cross-breed animals. [Lev. 19:19].......Ummm, I had a Husky once who was.....well, she had these really odd looking puppies.....the neighbor's dog was a Beagle.....goofy looking dawgs.......

* grow two different plants in your garden. [Lev. 19:19].......but who hasn't? Do I get a pass for growing seven or eight different plants? Maybe I get a bye on this one, because I don't think I've ever grown "TWO"......

* wear a cotton-polyester blend T-Shirt. [Lev. 19:19].......Hell, plain and simple.

* read your horoscope. [Lev. 19:26]....Is that like every day, or even once in a while, like when someone says, "What's your sign?".........I'm Cancer, I know it.....Hell again.

* consult a psychic. [Lev. 19:31].......Had my palm read once at the Strawberry Festival.....didn't come true, d'uh.....but I guess it counts.....

* cut your hair. [Lev. 19:27]......USMC....need I say more? No longer "high and tight".....but way cut........Hell.

* trim your beard. [Lev. 19:27]........Does downright cutting the damm thing count? ......Probably....I'm doomed.

* are tattooed. [Lev. 19:28]........No excuse here Folkes, gots me two of 'em....

* plant crops for more than seven years. [Lev. 25:4, Ex. 23:10-13]....Might be Ok on this one, usually, I forget to plant a year or two.....

* bear a grudge. [Lev. 19:17]......Yup, although, I really do get over them. Remember that Best Friend of mine that I shot for sleeping with wife #1? He's now my friend again. He understood that sometimes, a man needs shooting.....(he hardly even limps anymore)

* collect interest on a loan. [Ex. 22:24]....Did that once on a promissory note....it was only oncw, though.....

* insult a leader. [Ex. 22:27]......Err,ummm, well, "countless times" comes to mind...Hell again.

* mistreat a foreigner. [Ex. 22:21, 23:9]......Oh give me a break. Does that include shooting them? Or just dropping off day l.
laborers in the wrong city? Guilty as charged....Hell again

* spread false rumors. [Ex. 23:1] (Sorry, Pat Robertson!).......NOT GUILTY. Maybe I have a chance after all........

* drive a Mercury. [Ex. 23:13] (Look it up.)...........Bad news on this one, and to add to it, Hey, I hope you never enjoyed a Queen song, or looked up at the sky when the moon was wit "you know who", or ever had a chemistry class, or your temperature taken, or that dammnable chocolate bar.....better I suppose, to look at Uranus....

So, what I've read so far says that I'm a Goner.......but if so, I'm comfortable with it, knowing that Gunney Fitz and my Firstborn Heather, have already taken over the place.........and made it much more enjoyable......

So, just enjoy the reason that we're doomed......remember Mercury, and saying the names of false gods?

Yes, all said in jest.......we Christians, and Christan Catholics have nothing to worry about......though we'll not know till we're on the other side........

Don't worry though......I've got Friends down there....
Love youse guys.
Wollf