Tuesday, September 22, 2009

How to take a wife: According to the Bible.......


#1 – Find an attractive prisoner of war, bring her home, shave her head, trim her nails, and give her new clothes. You then own her.
(Deuteronomy 21:11-13) See among the captives a beautiful woman, and have a desire for her and would take her as a wife for yourself, then you shall shave her head and trim her nails. She shall also remove her clothes and shall remain in your house, and you may go in to her and be her husband and she shall be your wife.

#2 – Find a prostitute and marry her.
(Hosea 1:1-3) the Lord said to Hosea, “Go, take to yourself a wife of harlotry and have children of harlotry.”

#3 – Purchase a piece of property, and get a woman as part of the deal.
(Ruth 4:5-10) Moreover, along with this land, I have traded for Ruth the Moabitess, the widow of Mahlon, to be my wife.

#4 – Pick the dancer you like.
(Judges 21:19-25) The sons of Benjamin took wives according to their number from those who danced, whom they carried away.

#5 – Cut off 200 foreskins of soldiers to get a wife.
(I Samuel 18:27) David struck down two hundred men among the Philistines. Then David brought their foreskins, and they gave them in full number to the king, that he might become the king’s son-in-law. So Saul gave him Michal his daughter for a wife.

#6 – Hold a beauty contest, and pick your favorite.
(Esther 2:3) “They gather every beautiful young virgin to the citadel of Susa, to the harem, and let their cosmetics be given them. Then let the young lady who pleases the king be queen in place of Vashti.

#7 – Spot a woman you like, and demand your parents get her for you.
(Judges 14:2) So he came back and told his father and mother, “I saw a woman in Timnah, one of the daughters of the Philistines; now therefore, get her for me as a wife.”

#8 – Snoop on her bathing, send your henchmen to take her.
(2 Samuel 11) David arose from his bed and walked around on the roof of the king’s house, and from the roof he saw a woman bathing; and the woman was very beautiful in appearance. David sent messengers and took her, and when she came to him, he lay with her; she became his wife; then she bore him a son.

..........And to think, all I did was pick up my High School Drummer, Wolfie the Elder, from a practice at the local Middle School......

G-d works in mysterious ways.....

*Thanks, G-d....*

1 comment:

Foxfier, formerly Sailorette said...

Hehe, all Elf did was go to lunch....