Hicksville, AL -- Cap'n "Captain" Crunch was arrested Saturday on conspiracy charges for misleading consumers into believing that "Crunchberries" are actual berries. The multi-million dollar conspiracy came to an end after a year-long investigation and at a cost of over $2 million to taxpayers. In response, a class-action lawsuit has been filed against Crunch by 11,000 8-year-olds.
"He calls himself a Cap'n, but he's really nothing but a pirate!" said the lead police investigator, Dave Starsky. "He violated the sanctity of the American breakfast," he added, "I truly felt raped."
Crunch's lawyers have dismissed the claims as "racially motivated," citing a recent interview in Vanity Fair where Crunch was quoted as saying that a "wise Latino Cap'n would make better and crunchier cereal than either a white Cap'n OR Captain"
Harvard scientists, who studied the "Crunchberries" as part of the police investigation, were initially puzzled as to how Crunch, a mere captain of a fishing vessel, was able to mimic the texture, taste and chemical composition of real berries. "They look so real and lifelike," said scientist, Joseph Wurzelbacher, "especially in the picture on the cereal box which is 'magnified to show texture'."
It was actually one of the scientists' children, however, who eventually solved the case. "It's just a crunchy piece of oat and cornmeal," said 8-year-old Danny Fitzegerald. "Once I realized that all the adults were too stupid to realize this, I called the police and prepared my class-action lawsuit."
The mayor of Danny's home town, Hicksville, supports kids being active in corporate muckraking and dangerous police investigations. He will present Danny the key to the city at a town-hall meeting on Monday.
Officials are investigating other claims against breakfast-cereal mascots, including a recent allegation against "Lucky" that his "Lucky Charms" cereal may not actually increase the statistical chances of success.
Sources:
Chris Walters ""Crunchberries" are not real berries". www.consumerist.com, 2009
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
6 comments:
Patch on
Patch off
Looks as though someone knows me pretty well !! Howdy dw... Road trip to Tucson tomorrow.... Momma's got the cancer.......say a prayer, ok??
pretty obvious when ur patched, Wollfie.... and what's this about "it's just a crunchy piece of oat and cornmeal" stuff..... who's that little twerp kidding?? Ransom thinks it's more than that.... just ask him. "Meow, meeeoooow, meowmeow, mmeeeeoowwwww", he says. translation: that little piece of oat and cornmeal is my favorite play toy, buddy! besides, when was the last time any of you actually had capt'n cruch w. crunchberries??? huh???? well i just had some from my secret stash last week, and i don't care what any little 8 year-olf kid has to say..... without crunchberries, there is NO CAPTN' CRUNCH..... it's the icon cereal of the millennium!
that said, time to finish tidying up.....
xo
Er, umm....well, there "might" be a few less crunchberries in your sekrit stash.
I saw the Kitteh in there late last night....
Yah, that's it!!! The Kitteh!
*oh...you've got mail*
I loves me some crunchberries! I can eat about 3/4 of a box in one morning. No brag, just fact.
And crunchberries are real fruit! Does nobody remember the Crunchberry Bush that Jean LeFoot was always scheming to get? Botanical fact.
Little nerds knowing legal proceedings; must have been at prison at some point in his short life, they learn that stuff in the "big house". Or the "tree house" as the case may be...
roflol! i dunno whats funnier, the post or the comments between dragn & wolfie! giggle
Post a Comment