Hicksville, AL -- Cap'n "Captain" Crunch was arrested Saturday on conspiracy charges for misleading consumers into believing that "Crunchberries" are actual berries. The multi-million dollar conspiracy came to an end after a year-long investigation and at a cost of over $2 million to taxpayers. In response, a class-action lawsuit has been filed against Crunch by 11,000 8-year-olds.
"He calls himself a Cap'n, but he's really nothing but a pirate!" said the lead police investigator, Dave Starsky. "He violated the sanctity of the American breakfast," he added, "I truly felt raped."
Crunch's lawyers have dismissed the claims as "racially motivated," citing a recent interview in Vanity Fair where Crunch was quoted as saying that a "wise Latino Cap'n would make better and crunchier cereal than either a white Cap'n OR Captain"
Harvard scientists, who studied the "Crunchberries" as part of the police investigation, were initially puzzled as to how Crunch, a mere captain of a fishing vessel, was able to mimic the texture, taste and chemical composition of real berries. "They look so real and lifelike," said scientist, Joseph Wurzelbacher, "especially in the picture on the cereal box which is 'magnified to show texture'."
It was actually one of the scientists' children, however, who eventually solved the case. "It's just a crunchy piece of oat and cornmeal," said 8-year-old Danny Fitzegerald. "Once I realized that all the adults were too stupid to realize this, I called the police and prepared my class-action lawsuit."
The mayor of Danny's home town, Hicksville, supports kids being active in corporate muckraking and dangerous police investigations. He will present Danny the key to the city at a town-hall meeting on Monday.
Officials are investigating other claims against breakfast-cereal mascots, including a recent allegation against "Lucky" that his "Lucky Charms" cereal may not actually increase the statistical chances of success.
Chris Walters ""Crunchberries" are not real berries". www.consumerist.com, 2009