Time to break out trusty old Flame and go for a mind trip? Get the double meaning to my ol' bike's name? Heh. Maybe I'm just about to get a clue.

Yep, that's Wollf sittin' there upon that fine steed. I figgerd it'd be fine, cuz the camera was only about 3meg and if somebody tries to zoom it in, I immediately turn into a poster for Legos. Thats a joke about pixel distortion.

Ok, it wasn't very funny. Remember, I'm not feeling all that robust this evening. Maybe I should do as Steve Martin said, "I just put a piece of bologna in each shoe, slip them on my feet, walk around.....and Bam, I "Feel Funny".

Moneypenney died today. The original lady from all the James Bond flicks between 1962 and 1985. She was 80. Good long life. Don't know if I want to hang around that long. My sire, the Sergeant Major is 84 and life is finally catching up to him. Bummer to see a man like him in the less than intimidating state that he's in nowadays.

He fought in one of the Marine Corps' bloodiest campaigns....Peleliu in the Palau islands, WW2. Asserted himself above and beyond our Family Tradition. 2 Bronze Stars, 2 Silver Stars and 3, yes count 'em, 3 Purple Hearts. Quite the Hero, that man.

Although, he always dismissed it as foolish nonsense, for he didn't think he was such a Hero. (Most of his wounds were in his backside), heh. Shout out to Pops.

Semper Fi. He was always disappointed that I went to OCS. Heh

Anyway, back to not having a topic. Felt like I should come back and blog again just for therapy.Glad I did. Feel a little better.

Remember, It's always darkest before it goes pitch friggin' black.

Carry on. Hugs if you got 'em

Don't sleep alone unless ya have to. Me, I suppose I shall for a bit more.

Well, so much for another fine day............

I just plain, friggin' do Not understand that woman. Somebody, Please hit me with with a cluebat until I Get a Clue!!

Ladies and Gentlemen who have gone through this, my total Empathy is with you. When is enuff finally enuff? Right about now in my case. No, for once I won't bother you with the details, But Jesuit Priests in a Bear suit!!

Hurts my heart. Hurts my brain. Boyo, such fun it shall be. Chill Wollf, gotta be there for the cubs. They're gonna need both parents.

I was really hoping to write something fun this evening.....but so goes life. It's 'bout an hour til sunset and I think I'll take a little hike. If I get any good pictures, I'll share. Mebbe 'll feel a bit more blog enthusiasm when I return. Mebbe not.

Be good people in the mean time.

I'm Back, and a bit Annoyed........

People who "knew" me, realised that it was not considered a wise move to annoy the Wollf. He is not that far away from his feral lineage. Very few people "know" me. Get the change in tense there? Since this profound change in my life, and the rarely deviating course that I have set to Become..........I'm quite a bit less immediate in my reactions to thing that annoy me.

Do realize, though, that if you annoy the wollf long enough, he's going to sink his fangs into you.

There are exceptions to this fact of life. Daughters. Shi-ite, they are the blessing and the curse of me. I have two she-cubs in this existence. A third, my first cub, has moved on to still waters. Yes, gentle readers, that makes cinco, five.....sank in Fwench, although the spelling is wrong. No, I'm not that old.

But as the say, "I been bizzy". What can I say............Anyway, #2.....I'm sure she's gonna love that one, lives in this strange place called Missouri with her husband Ray and Pancho the dog..............

Wait, nope, not them. That's a line from Arlo Guthrie's classic anti war, 35 minute song "Alice's Restaurant". She does live in Missouri, but that's all you're gonna get. Anyway, she seems to have done google on my email tag and.............Voila!.......she has now seen the inside of the Wollf's mind.

Don't overindulge. This isn't 'bout you, or for you. It's for Me. And, it's a place that I cherish.

Onward into the fog. There are those to whom the Wollf's bite is inevitable. It will come, junior.

So, now that I've mercilessly burdened my readers with That shovel full of steaming annoyance, where shall we travel? Give me an idea and I shall chase it like a rabbit on the morrow.

Sunday, the Lord's day. Also, an evening without the cubs and I shall go all Wizard in the early afternoon. It is just an amazing feeling for me to be able to actually See the difference in how my mind works......with and sans muggle patch.

Maybe I'll write about it some day. Oh, sorry. Guess I do. Lil' Wolfie's playing Halo 3. Anybody into or even not into gaming just friggin' Has to be impressed with the graphics of this thing. All done with 1's and 0's.........computers are so amazing. Eeeevil, but amazing.

Just in case anyone's wondering....cuz I've gotten an email or two.........Not to worry 'bout the Wollf. Yup, not in "our" house.

Hadda rent one, and the Wollf don't like shacks. It's 3600 squares, 4 beds so the cubs feel good, although I can't seem to get Lil' outta my suite.

I opted for the cookie the other night. Truly amazes me, though, just how friggin' easy it is for a fella like me to get laid if he wants. I'm not That good lookin'.

I am overall a happy guy. Yeah, as I've said, it's a rollercoaster at times, but I can deal.

There, had enuff? Gimme an idea and we'll try it on for size. Been a long day. Lil' is killing these things that grunt a lot and explode when you shoot them.

He calls 'em 'Sploding Grunts. Heh Think I'll go get me some "Sploding Grunts". And finally,

Eff Harry Reid. Rat ba$$tard, cowardly, lying, backstabbing Barney Fife looking dickweed. Sorry, just felt like saying that.

And to my little H.U...........No, I'm really not in the mood for a cookie tonite.
Over and Under, 10-4 and ..............g'nite.

Now What? After that bit of bizarre rambling last evening, where do we go tonite?

Can't really go the "personal" route very much. Ya see, the Beautiful Mrs. P. seems not to wish, as she says,"at this time", to even "begin" to work on "us". Well, that of course is her prerogative. And she has exhausted me.

If I don't take a break from thinkin' 'bout it, I'm just going to friggin' end it. I've realised that I'm hangin' in more for the cubs sense of security and an old fashioned sense of tradition than anything else.

So, nothin' 'bout that tonite.

Then there's the she-cub. Ol' Wollf "grounded" her tonite. She get off work at 2000hrs, Lil'wolfie and I will pick her up and deliver her directly to Mrs.P (at MY friggin' house, where I don't live), or up here to my other house "Walkabout".

Can't really go into details cuz I'm not tellin' Mrs.P about it. Their relationship is fragile enuff right now without momma going off the deeper end.

Ok, I owe you a hint................oops, almost blew that one. Remembered a possible reader that it might affect.

Quick, Change of Subject!!!! Er, uh ahh..........Shroedinger's Cat! Bitchen cool little philosophical conundrum written by.................Shroedinger! Kinda goes with last nite's about existence.

Basics: You put a live cat into a sealed box. You go away for a bit. Doesn't matter how long, twenty minutes, a friggin' year, it doesn't matter.

Question: Is the cat alive? Dead? Even in the box? The answer, though I'm a bit rushed tonite to Really go into it is.......All three. And None. The problems with the answer are way too numerous to expand upon in this piddly post. Suffice to say, it's once again a problem of our Perception.

While it's in there, we cannot tell its' state of being. Time and space cease to exist. Not to the poor friggin' cat of course, but to us. We can't know until we open the box.

I always thought Herr Shroedinger was a bit of a narcissistic Prick. Who the eff did he think he was? "Ze kat is nicht for ecksistink until Izee it". He had to Personally note the state of the frigin' cat? Okay, enuff of that. My wisdom is thus:

If you put a cat in a sealed box, you are a prick.
If you write a Book about it, you're a Great Pioneering Mind.
If you can't "Begin" something, somebody else is gonna "end" it.
When your daughter becomes a teenager, put Her in a sealed box.

You're welcome.
Gotta get the she-cub.

Hey anybody notice my new poll? No, it's only your imagination that it's skewed. heh.
Blog ya later, crocodile.

Intense telecom with the Beautiful Mrs.P.

But............I'm not in the mood to deal with it, or be morose or melancholy tonite. She doesn't exist tonite.

I'm in the mood for a cup of non-existent coffee with a non-existent creature who missed her ride on a non-existent Ark and became the last of her kind.

Or maybe get laid. Or have a cookie. But no more tuna fish. Yuck, that diet's done. Dropped the perquisite body fat, time to put on the muscle poundage.

Pasta!!!!!

Makes no sense whatsoever, does it? Well, read on oh ye the unwary, and I almost guarantee that I'll muddy your brain even more.

Because.................he writes, foreshadowing the next post.............

I......and by Extension, You...do not exist.

It is known that there is an infinite number of worlds, but that not every one is inhabited. Therefore, there must be a finite number of inhabited worlds. Any finite number divided by infinity is as near to nothing as makes no odds, so if every planet in the Universe has a population of zero then the entire population of the Universe must also be zero, and any people you may actually meet from time to time are merely the products of a deranged imagination. ~Douglas Adams

And thus, one of my fave "Concept" movies......ok, the special effects were friggin' great.....is The Matrix. Suspend disbelief. Absorb the concept. We aren't here. Because we have no true understanding of where "here" is. But we are "somewhere". Aren't we?

But then, what of the Adams quote? The math he's quoting "seems" to work, (Jimmy, you're the engineer, not me)..........Juxtaposing the two concepts is an interesting mind game to me.

If I'm "somewhere", although not "here", as in the Matrix concept, and yet I can't be "anywhere", because of the mathematical, then how am I writing this completely ridiculous excuse for a philosophical essay?

And then, how are You reading it? Not to mention wondering how in the Hell you got roped into reading This one, because actually, you're not. Remember, You don't exist. I don't exist.

So......by extension, Because I don't exist to write this blog, and because You don't exist to read it.........

You have Not wasted your time here tonite. You don't have any time to waste. I didn't even waste My time writing this drivel. Does drivel exist? I think I saw some on Lil' Wolfies chin just yesterday, but I suppose I didn't.

You see, I didn't really "see" him. Because That would give me a deranged imagination. And I, if nothing else, am no where Near crazy. You are. For reading tonite's Wizard written tripe. I took a muggle patch "holiday" today.

If any of you non-existent readers would like to comment on this non-existent blog, just go right the hell ahead. Doesn't matter to me. I won't read it. I can't. I'm not really here. Go ahead, knock your non-existent socks off.

Wait a friggin' non-existent minute!! There IS a reason for this blog. An answer to the conundrum that I've not actually raised!! And don't be sad any more my non-existent friends,
We inhabit a completely separate Universe than the one in the mathematical. We are simply:

Figments of Fred Thompson's imagination.

There you have it. An ADD inspired, long dam winded "Fred Thompson Fun Fact". Way to long to submit to the venerable FTFF compilation of Frank J. at IMAO, but once again, I simply derive pleasure by subjecting you unsuspecting readers to my mind.

I don't even feel badly for you. You don't exist. Heh

Blame the Lttle Read Headed Girl.......

She sent me another one. It's just entirely Too Friggin" Bizarre not to share. She calls it ToyRUsses, India.

I just have to say,"It ain't One World, One People" out there, Students.

And, if you've read me for any amount of time, you'll know that I don't feel as much Sympathy for the cute little tyke,( who's in no real danger), as I do Empathy for the poor King Cobra. Some a$$hole yanked his fangs out.

See how I ingeniusly worked a lesson in there? Read backward to the earlier post. You just might think I've got a point.

Steal it if you will, but give credit, eh?

Somebody call Mahatma.........bad reference, sounds like soup. There is a soup that sounds like that, isn't there?

Call Ghandi!!

Lettin' Loose.....humor such as it is.......

What to write about tonite? Coupla probs.......Too friggin' many things to laugh at, discuss, mock, cry, or complain about.

There's Krian, mein fruend. He's in his 30's and still pi$$ed of at his Mom for grounding him every summer while he was in high school, and as a result Never got to see Steve Miller at the Ventura Fairgrounds. I think I'll buy him the CD.

Hell, I like the guy. Maybe I'll buy him Steve Miller. Probably can't afford the Band too.......but Miller? Gotta be a bargain. What the Hell has He done lately? (Oh, I'm gonna catch some shi-ite tomorrow, heh).

The Beautiful Mrs.P. and a conversation she had with Lil Wolfie the other night. If he relayed it correctly, the poore woman is more "broken" than I thought. Just doesn't get the kids' pain over this Bravo Sierra.

Empathy, People!.Come on, say it with me now, "Em Pa Thee". It's like "sympathy" only much more the "real" deal. You don't feel sorry for someone as in sympathy.

You feel THEM. Their pain. No, I'm not a Democrat, but you know what I mean. Understanding.
That's what we're here for.

Sorry, I'll take off the muggle patch and be back in a minute. Not in the mood for melancholy tonite.

Ahhhh.....better. Now where were we? Oh, yeah.

I have a reader in Mexico! Ok, not a big deal, but it's a Spanish speaking URL. Oh, I almost forgot, I'm not going down the Immigration road tonite. Oops. I almost went and told you that I think we oughta lock down the friggin' border, punish the Employers and make English the official language of Los Estados Unidos.

No "anchor babies", no welfare, empty the friggin' emergency rooms so that if somebody's got a broken friggin' leg, they don't have to wait three hours on people with a sore friggin' throat!!

Did I mention no free education that's not appreciated anyway? I'll pay a G-dammit higher price for my friggin' lettuce.( actually, I don't really like lettuce anyway).

And.....Get the Hell off my friggin' highway!!

But, of course, as I said, I'll just keep that to myself. It's better that way, don't you think? nd yeah, I love the Mexican people. Born and raised in Tucson, spent a lot of my youth Mexico. Yes, I really speak the lingo....can't spell it worth a stack of bacon.....but you get the drift.

Anyway.......took another break. Lettin' the brain out for a nice stroll this evening. Gotta get Bigger from Band at 2100hrs. Just helped Little with his math. He Always gets me on the first go 'round. Just pops a math question out there and I go into auto and just Answer it.

I fall for it Every time. He thinks it's pretty funny. Don't have a clue where he gets his sensa humor. Lone Wollf. Clone Wollfie. Heh.

He's the smart aleck cub that calls a Unicorn a "Horny Horse". Cracks him up. Makes me Moan, or is that groan? (another of my unsolvable "in jokes") There's another one for you very few that really think you know me. (hint: it's not a spelling typo)

Dam, I amuse myself.
Leave a comment,
E-mail me...('nother hint: if I've commented on your blog, it's my sign in at gmail),
I gotta write the Beautiful, but damaged Mrs.P an infomail on the cubs.

Remember Wollf's rules for life:
Heh, fooled you. Not writin' 'em again. Bored? Wanna know?

Read an archive. I'm feeling eeevil.
Tomorrow a poime.

I'll be unicorns like Miracle Whip better.............

Friggin' Mexico?

I got a reader in Mexico?
Is that friggin' Legal?

Don't get me started on this one.
No time, gotta go.

Mebbe we'll talk La Emigre' tomorrow.
Buenos noches, amigo.............

Wollf....afueta!

Just gotta talk.........

Sometimes I just do. Haven't had more than a couple words with Mrs. P. in almost a week. My choice this time, as I've said, but Dammit.

I get lonely. Even with the cubs here. They're great, don't even get me wrong. But, I Like Women.

As you well know, one in particular. Yeah, yeah..........I've said I'm over her. But it's still kinda an up and down ride. You can't have a person intimately woven into your life web without "missing" her. I am stickin' to my path though. Only hope at All for the Pack as a whole is to be Me. And to have patience.

Something I have sorely lacked in my adult life. Bravo Sierra, Wollf!! (any nonmilitary types out there, that Bull Shi-ite)

Been getting a few more "hits", and even a couple comments. Pleases the old Wollf greatly. One in particular. Heh. Take it easy in your lives, students. What matters is not the past, not the future, but the Now.

It's all that our lil' monkey brains can really handle emotionally. Plan, sure, but Never "expect". No expectations means no disappointments. Wow, that was frigin' deep there, Wollf.

Love someone as you wish. It's for you, not them. But Love without expectation if you're going to Love. Remember the agape' Greek word we discussed a couple weeks back? Yup, That kind.
Make it a gift, no strings. Give it to someone you can't even see.

It'll move you miles down your personal path to enlightenment.
Now, on to matters of Importance:

I apologize, left the muggle on too long....I get way, for me, focused and tend as you Well know to wax philosophical. Hey, I'm gonna try to make a Glossary for my personal definitions on this blog. Might, heh, make it more understandable.

I am still pi$$ed at that Persian Pipsqueak Ahma-whats-is-name. Eff him. Oh, and Eff another pipsqueak, and the friggin' brain dead maroons that gave him a hung jury.

Yup, Phil Specter. An ugly little Eff-wadd who thinks that normal foreplay includes a G-damm Gun, fer Cryin' out Mighty. I think I just impressed myself. I didn't "mix a metaphor" there, students..........I think I actually mixed a Cliche'!!

Think that's easy? Go ahead, give me a couple in the comments. I'll give you credit and you may rest assured that I will righteously steal them as my own. As you can see, the muggle is wearing off.

I don't know which Wollf I personally prefer. Probably the treated one.......But, as it says in my bio, the Happy Mr. Hyde has Got to come out to play. Too much gray matter goin' on in this skull.

Yeah, right, I know it's not self evident from my writing, heh. Whoa.....back to topic. Or topics. Or maybe...........Phil. You wanna get away with Murder? Just do it in an area like L.A., where the available jury pool hasn't got the IQ of a box of hammers.

If those two jurors brains were gasoline, they wouldn't have the fuel to drive a pi$$ants motorcycle around the inside of a friggin' Cheerio. They bought off on the Bravo Sierra,("member that term?), that the poor victim decided to commit friggin' Suicide on a G-damm "pickup date"!!! Aaaaagh.

I know dude's Fugly, but gimme a break.

Now, I'm tired.
Gotta take the cubs back to Mrs.P by 2100hrs.
I'm hungry.
I'm thirsty.

I'm h0%rny. Oh well, no help for that.
Ow OOOOoooo.............

Be good people.
Make Wollf proud.
Self Important One..........................Out.

Hi there Chicago.........P.C.?

Ya Friggin Hoo........eh?

Quite a day. Quite, quite a day.

Way goofy at the office. One of the admin ladies found out about this whole marital fiasco. Walked, rather "sashayed" into my office and burdened me with her caring. Started with the "you poor man's" and moved relatively quickly to the downright uncomfortables. Aaagh.

Heh. The trials and tribulations of the Pure at Heart. Double heh.

Decided, because I can, to insert another of the Falcon photos I took yesterday. They make me feel good. Writing this crap also makes me feel good.

Finding out that Unicorns really exist makes me feel Great. Listen to the self proclaimed Wise One, little Unicorn. He may not be a Beacon in a gloomy night, but at least he'll try to make you laugh a bit. Sorry dear readers of this stuff, but for some unknown reason, I think I've taken another step toward Becoming. Had to give a quick shout out of thanks.

So..............Dam the muggle patch, full steam ahead..................

House is on the tube tonight. One of the Very few shows that I will faithfully watch. Something about the character reminds a Lot of people of me.

I disagree vociferously. I'm quite a bit better looking and I don't limp. Ok, after that hike Sunday, maybe I limp a "little".

Frank J. over at IMAO posted a humor blog about doing away with obnoxious pint sized Persian presidents. With prejudice I might add. I don't know for once what was funnier, his Posting, or the Comments.

Pie? Abigail, everyone likes pie. Ridiculous to assume that anyone wouldn't. Mayonnaise, on the other hand.......eeewwwk.

Oh yeah, because of House, I gotta go pretty quick.

Ahmadinnerjacket said that there are no Gays in Iran. It's 'cuz the friggin Mullah lovin' Midget in a bad suit Hangs the poor suckers! What a steaming pile that guy is.

Anyway, those of you who have been unfortunate enough to have been with me through this entire period of my life have doubtless noted a certain change of timbre, a redirection in my writing, kinda from the sublime to the ridiculous, with a little bit of the shi-ite shoveling thrown in. That of course is the therapy part. Try not to begrudge me that self indulgence.

As I've said. This is the embodiment of my Quest. If I can help another heart. If I can support another person with ADD. If I can impart a bit of home spun philosophy that touches someone, makes them smile or even cry a bit......that's what I want to do.

I've moved to a more joyful place in a pretty damn short period of time, and a lot has to do with this writing....yeah, and doing the hard work too. Ya know it don't come easy. But for tonite at least, I'm Reassured that.........

Wedon'tcryalone.

I need some ice cream. Gotta work out and watch the show.

Hit the rack and think of little miracles.

Wollf has left the building

Monday, Monday.........

All righty then. Cubs are back at the Beautiful Mrs. P's. I'm.....oops. TIME FRIGGIN" OUT!!

Gotta remove the muggle, or I'll be straight on topic all night. There, done. Whew, I woulda been more boring than usual, heh.

So, right to subject so the friggin' bird picture makes sense. I am in this new world that I've explained countless times now. The new found Focus has Allowed me to have passion. Let me clear that one up.

The ADD was a Bitch to live with. I got kicked in the head by a less than friendly Brahma when I was about 19. Split the melon pretty good. Had another episode way down South in the late 70's that kinda added to the problem. We "may" discuss that one at a later date if I figure there's a statute of limitations out country.

Anyway, I was a straight A kinda kid, and then things just kinda started sliding. Attention span moved out of the neighborhood. Memory actually moved out of state and left no forwarding address.

The real Bitch about the whole thing is that I didn't realize it. O K, I guess I did in a way, but I'd forget about my concern, or get distracted and not chase down the cause. I remember thinking, and Saying over the years that "something" wasn't right in my skull.

Then, this whole separation thing came down. I was a thoughtless jerk. I said the first thing that came to mind, and it wasn't good stuff a lot of the time. I "embarrassed" Mrs.P.

Huh? When? Tell me about it? Now, though, I remember. Hey, I'm still a guy, I can't possibly remember all the details of my bad behaviour like you wimmin can......So, now I'm treated. My dopamine inhibitors and uptakes are working a Lot better.

And, thus, for the first time in forever, I Have passion! (see how I got back to the subject before the muggle patch kicked out? I Planned it. I can plan and execute long range goals. Hoo Ha!

Two Major interests/passions have shown up. Not really shown up......it's just that I can follow up on them now, I don't get distracted by any little thing and then forget to get back to what I wanted to do.

So.........you can guess number one. (hint............you're reading it, Sparky). Always wanted to write. Now I can do it. Don't need validation for it either. I just want to. Heh. And if you're here and still reading, that gives me personal satisfaction even though I don't even know you're here.

Two........ta daa....(tiny little trumpet), Photography. In particular nature. Going along with that is my love of raptors. Birds of prey for the uninitiated.

Thus the Picture. That, lil' buddies, is a Kite. A Western, White Tailed Kite. One of the shyest and to me, most beautiful of the birds of prey. Harder than shi-ite to get a decent picture of. Can't get close enough, and when they "kite", (as in hang almost motionless in the air), they're fluttering their wings just to make a photog's picture blur.

I hid in the bushes. And waited. ADD, remember? Woulda been nigh impossible for me to do a month ago. I'm pretty proud of the pic. And best of all........I'm now inspired to get all my stuff together and make a Portfolio. (yes, capital P). I've got some really good stuff, and it deserves to be sorted and fixed and finally.....shared.

Like my thoughts. Like my screwy humor. Like my angst and my tears and my anger.

Better here than in polite company.

Thanks for putting up with me. Patch is way gone now........

Eff Ahma Dinner jacket, good catch on that screwup to the Prez of Columbia, even though the midget dictator didn't get it.

Eff Dwarves that live in the desert. Not necessarily talking about Iran.....heh. Oops, got pulled away for a bit. A real interesting call.........a particularly sorry a$$ excuse for a Marine who ended up turning into "quite a fine Leader of Men" in the silly a$$ Navy.

Not a real surprise to hear from him, I'd sent out an sos for a friendly ear. Just kinda surprised that he's still up to no good...........hmmmm.

Alright, I've gotta sign off. I'll reread tomorrow and fill in the gaps.

I still don't like mayonnaise.

Wow, what a day.......

Actually, what a weekend. Mrs.P., of course was out of town. Man, I could start on that but I won't.

Cub, both lil' and big....and even the she-cubb spent a lot of time with old Wollf.
Great and fun times were definitely had. Ended with a four hour hike out into the wilds.

Wanted to show Bigger what kinda waterfalls we have around here. Pretty sure he won't be taking Lil wolfie out to swim in this one. Really beautiful country we hiked.

Tell the truth, it friggin wore me out. Both the cubs are in better distance shape than me. I covered by "enjoying the scenery". You ever hear me say that on a hike, you can be ever so certain that it's tiring me out a bit. Heh

That picture at the top gives you an idea of the place we went. That speck is Bigger after rock climbing up the side of the cliff. I'm really lovin' my new Sony SLR camera. I'll be posting more and more of my stuff as I blog. We got back and polished off a whole fried chicken, tater salad and coleslaw. Nice late lunch.

Eff mayonaise. Never liked it, Never will. To make a great coleslaw Or tater salad, you Have got to use Miracle Whip. And throw in some raisins for the coleslaw.

Note to self: Besides all the Other things that I'm going to require in a mate, add Miracle Whip in the fridge. It's right G-Damit next to the Mayonaise at the market. Doesn't take a whole hell of a lot of effort, and it might just show Me that you care enough to reach two bottles over on the shelf and spend an extra three bucks.

And although I don't drink, quit snaggin' my wine. Maybe I just like the dam bottle.
Aaagh, I'm tired, took off the muggle patch and "saw" her when I dropped off the cubs. Didn't say much of anything to her. Didn't have much to say that I felt compelled to share. She wants to talk to me....her text messaging fingers can also dial a phone number.

Jeezers, I'm in a rare mood. I'll cut outta here before I work myself up. Just no sense in it.

File me under "D" for Done.
Later

Just Holdin' on.........

Guaranteed short. Actually, I'm going to put this off til' tomorrow. Simply didn't want to miss a night. Therapy Has to be continued.

Got a lady that I don't even know that I'm concerned about.

Got a Lady that I do know that I'm slowly becoming less concerned about.

Got a couple humorous stories left inside me, but I've got a movie to watch. Mebbe I'll review it for you.

Carry on.

Friday Night Lite......

Well, we Will be short tonite. Got the cubs, and the she-cub's comin' over a bit later. Out with her buddies, don't ya know.

Their Mrs. P. is out for the weekend with the Jewel. Girl getaway as it were. Bigger cub wanted me to sleep over at "our" house. Usual 15 year old reasons...His computer's there, his pals, etc forever.

He called Mrs. P. without my knowledge and she had the friggin' temerity to say that it was fine with her....."where's Wollf going to sleep?".....the guest room was her thought.

Nope. Couple of items of misunderstanding on their parts. First, I Will not sleep at that house until I am Invited, in my Own Friggin' bed, with my Wife, and most Importantly......When I Decide to. Remember? I'm done. Still love her.....but the Bravo Sierra has to be over and I have to Know I'm not gonna step right back into an untenable situation.

My terms now. Her terms too. But a dialogue has to be opened, we have to really friggin' Address the issues that have been avoided for so long, and competition for the friggin spotlite has to stop.

Kinda what I was concerned about in earlier therapy blogs. I truly am Becoming. I get the problems now. I Know what my shortcomings were and I have and will continue to extinguish them. I am Also becoming more and more aware that My issues were not the sole cause of our situation. She's got some work to do still on herself 'cuz I won't be real interested in resuming a relationship with Any woman who can't communicate her feelings to me.

Privacy and respect for her personal thoughts and space is an absolute with me, but I'm By G-d not gonna deal with the walls that she's had around herself again. I never had an idea of How friggin' upset she might be at any time.

So, there it is for tonite. I can tell you that I'm Better. I haven't Become yet, but I'm actually starting to Enjoy my quest. Sorry that this was so "Me" tonite, but I think I'm about complete in my self immolation here and I can turn to just talking the ins, outs, quirks, and goofiness of my ADD mind and throw in a lot more philosophy and humor. I'm not promising Good philosophy or Good humor like some of the Great Blogs out here, but I'll do my best.

AND.......this serious blog tonite is not my fault at all. Blame a guy named Frank J at IMAO. He's the one selling female shaped nutcrackers.

Scarred me for life. Maybe the Beautiful Mrs.P. should sue him for alienation of affection.

Be good Mrs. P., and the Jewel. And enjoy the bottle of My wine that you swiped. Heh. Like I care.....don't drink anymore. 13 friggin' weeks.

Goin' downstairs, visit with the housemate. Haven't told ya about that one? Not sordid at all......but I do enjoy a nice lookin' woman's company.

Your fault Frank J. Shouldn't have read your wonderful blog tonite.
Eff the Reverend Jackson and those friggin' creeps that want to turn themselves into a Civil Rights case. They are THUGS, Jesse. Nothing more, nothing less.

A$$ho(e!

I'm gone.

But Mom....I don't Wanna !......

So there I am, all relatively content that this nightmare is over, and I get well respected Professional advice "not to throw in the towel just yet"

Aaagh. O K, Doc, if you say so....but I'm done. Done with needing. Done with hoping. Done with walking around on friggin' eggshells because of Anyone. She can do what she wants to do....I'll do what I Need to do.

So that's it for that. (for tonite, anyway), it's harder than I might imagine, I'm sure, to fully extricate myself from a web that took 20 years to build. Stupid is what this all is now, and I may be a lot of things, but stupid ain't one of 'em.

As an aside though, insinuating yourself into the life of a married woman, Especially one who's married to a fellow with a past as "interesting" as mine.........Now That is Stupid.

Got the cubs over tonite, lil'wolfie and I just finished dinner and setting up a war scene for him to wreck poste haste after he finishes his homework. Bigger is doin' his Drum thang over at the high school...........Hey, that reminds me!

Had a Bomb Threat at the school a couple days ago. That's what prompted the end game conversation with Mrs.P. Made for a day of cluster-eff such as I truly haven't seen since Diego in the 70's.

Got a call from the she-cub,(senior, remember), that the student body was being evac'd to the football field. She felt that this was a less than prudent idea, as she has the imagination to see a possible setup. I'll explain this one simply and Without detail......Maximum targets in minimum area equals maximum damage.

She decided, while on the dam phone with me, that it would be wiser to leave the hot zone. As in, in Her words, (well, she Might have heard them "somewhere)...Escape and Evade. I hear through her phone, a male voice yelling,"Come back here", followed by she-cub's "Gotta go, Dad".......

Next I heard from her she was in her jeep and motoring safely home. Deputy Dawg didn't stand a chance at catching her. I told her she could have been in Big trouble, to which she matter of factly responded, "12.6 hundred meters, Daddy. He wasn't going to catch me. And besides, Daddy, I was Scared".

Yes, I did my parental duty and "got her in trouble", but not so much. She called me "Daddy", she was "Scared".....and she did remind me that she'll be turning 12.6's or better come spring for the Track Team. Heh, girl knows how to run her Dad.

So, to end this story, I still had to leave work for Three friggin' hours, stand in the sun in a Huge crowd of concerned parents, show I.D. Twice, in order to free Bigger wolfie from the stadium. (He's not anywhere as Fast or Independent as his older sis.)

The day was a pain all the way around, and the Evac and subsequent "crazies" are what precipitated the "I'm firggin' Done" conversation with the kids' mom.

That's it for tonite, gotta go get Bigger. Here's one we can "possibly" All get together on:

Eff Ahmadinnerjacket! That rat ba$t#@$d wants to lay a wreath at Ground Zero? For whom? (sorry, I know when to use who or whom...doesn't mean I'm a prissy pants.)
The Fallen? Or the friggin' Hijackers?

One, he shouldn't be allowed in the Country, let alone at that Memorial, and Two, if he is allowed there, he should be introduced to the Ironworkers and Carpenters on site. Let them show him some New York hospitality. Heh

Ok, Hit he racks, you've got a long day tomorrow.

Howdy......how ya doin? Leave a comment. Heh

Great Mood...........

Holy bejeezers. Yup, I am actually and truly in a good mood. And after last night's writing, it seems rather surprising to me.

At least at first. I Understand. I've accepted that she's gone. Finito. Done. Whew, what a friggin' Relief. Not that she's gone. That I not only accept it, as consequences for my actions, but that the "wishing","hoping" and stress of "trying" so friggin' hard just to be slapped down.

She can't allow or simply doesn't want to see what I'm Becoming. She's in what she considers to be her Better Place. And she's blinded to mine.

AND, the old Wollf doesn't give a rats a$$. Period. She doesn't know what she's missing in this new movie that I'm writing.

Oh hey, don't get me wrong, I'm pretty sure that I'd take her back in a heartbeat if it happened relatively soon, but I'm going to get on with this new Life that I've finally got. I can't and won't expend any more energy on worrying about losing her.

I already have. Lifes a beach. Go for a swim. Don't friggin' worry about the sharks.

I suppose I'll mourn it a bit, bt I won't let it distract me from my quest. If I hadn't made the progress down the "enlightenment" path that I already have, I'd still be wallowing.

Done. I'm actually, if I say so myself, and you know I will.......a pretty dam good guy all in all. Relatively intelligent, in shape, good lookin' enough not to make the babies cry, got some cash, sensitive and fun lovin' in a whole new way, and I have Absolutely No problem with kicking the shi-ite out of anyone who desperately needs it. Heh.

Better still than that, I've got the most amazing pack of cubs any man could Ever hope for. I'm so friggin' proud of 'em, you couldn't believe.

Why cry
She's not with me,
I've still got
My Family.

Oh yeah, Doc revised my muggle patch yesterday. Probably didn't hurt my situation.
Better living through modern chemistry. And introspection and self awareness and honesty and meditation and sobriety and doing all the Hard Shi-ite the Hard Way.

Too bad. Too bad for me? Yup, a bit. But definitely too bad for her. I'm movin' on.
She's welcome to join me, but I think she oughta ask nicely.

And soon.

Wollf's gotta go play with lil' wolfie.
Seems we're WWE wrestlers tonite.
He's probably gonna kick my a$$. Thanks for that one, Jewels.

God Bless you, Lady. I truly hope you're really where you want to be.
G'nite, Morrie, thanks for the help. Heh, said I'd do a shout out.

Oops........forgot. Eff that little 'zona elf. There Is an a$$ out there that I think could use a kickin'. Danger, Will Robinson.

Wollf is Truly back.
Over.

Baseball Oddity, a Bummer evening and Unicorns

Un Friggin' Believable! Swiped it from one of my fave sites, IMAO. Thanks Frank J. I enjoy baseball, but I Love this! Now we'll see if I can insert the dam thing. You'll never see that again. Screwed up, it's at the Bottom!!!!

But miracles do happen. And after the hour long convesation, ( on the friggin' phone no less), I feel the need for a miracle. Wasn't pleasant for me or the Beautiful Mrs.P.

Polite, I should say Civil, but I'm chilled to the core. Her heart seems to be ice. I said seems. Who can tell? Certainly not I. Concentrate, Wollf, it ain't about you. I gotta be full armor and hugs for the cubs. Her decision will be hers. I hope she chooses wisely and whichever way she goes, I've got to nut up and try to be there for her too.

This Honor thing I've got is sometimes a real pain in the a$$. She told me I wasn't enjoyable to be around, and that I wasn't interesting. Not fun.

Well Judas Pi$$ in a tin cup, woman. I've spoken to her a total of three times in a month for about a half hour each time, trying to figure out how to save something that's oh so important, tears show through, pain shows through..........how the F%&K can I seem "enjoyable","interesting" or friggin' "FUN"?

Boyo, the Therapist is gonna get an earful. And to the Great Spirit, If this goes where it's seeming, then the no drinkin' covenant is boken, right? Cuz, my friends, I think I shall desire a bit of adult refreshment. Think I'll get a Harley too. Been a while. Nope, just talkin', probably.

And, don't anbody tell, but ol' Wollf is down to 2% bodyfat, the Kata and weightsworkouts are doing their thing and I'm actually showing sixpack again. And, I'm feeling randy as all H#%L. OwOOOooooh. (Is that how you spell a howl?)

Oh yeah, went all wizard on you about two hours ago. Muggle patch gone from my hip, I become Lord of the Ramblin' Men..... So there you have it, campers.

Have you ever seen a Unicorn? It's beautiful, but it's fragile. Don't just jump off the edge with anyone. Take your time, you've got your whole life. Heh, I've just found mine. If I can overcome and continue my quest, anyone can.

And, I'll be right here. To help. To guide. To catch the hand of anyone that needs it. Please do the same for me.

G'nite to my cubs.....they're here tomorrow. G'nite to Mrs.P........thoughtful dreams. Remember what I said, "You're not breaking just one heart. You're breaking them all........"

Sometimes the greatest gift is an unanswered prayer. In Mrs.P's case, that might be true. TTime to prepare for the hunt. Sweet dreams

Another Suburbanite?

With great thanks to a little red haired girl, an inspiring story:

In 1986, Mikele Mebembe was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from Northwestern University. On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air.

The elephant seemed distressed, so Mikele approached it very carefully. He got down on one knee and inspected the elephant's foot and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it. As carefully and as gently as he could, Mikele worked the wood out with his hunting knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot.

The elephant turned to face the man, and with a rather curious look on its face, stared at him for several tense moments.

Mikele stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled. Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned, and walked away.

Mikele never forgot that elephant or the events of that day. Twenty years later, Mikele was walking through the Chicago Zoo with his teenaged son.

As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to near where Mikele and his son Tapu were standing. The large bull elephant stared at Mikele, lifted its front foot off the ground, then put it down. The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man.

Remembering the encounter in 1986, Mikele couldn't help wondering if this was the same elephant. Mikele summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder.

The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Mikele's legs and slammed him against the railing, killing him instantly.

Probably wasn't the same elephant.

Heh. I promised "Something Completely Different", didn't I?

Lights out, if I can stop giggling at the complete absurdity of it all. Kind of a meteaphor of where my life's been. Hopefully I got the picture inserted. If, by chance it's yours and you want it out, let me know. No sense pi$$ing off new people.

The ice cream was great.

Cherry. Yum.

I don't want to be alone either..........

But it's the place on the path that I am......Aloneness. As a state of being. As a lesson. As a gift.
For without feeling and embracing the aloneness, how can we ever appreciate being with someone?

Day in and day out, the same old thing. It becomes drudgery even to the best of us. One of the reasons that the Wolf is my perfect animal totem is my loyalty to and my yearning for the "Pack". I'm a social animal. Most of us are.

But, in this quest of mine to be the best of Men, (no, I'll never make that) I realize that I have to grab hold of my loneliness. I've got to rise above my natural loathing for it. There is no other way to find myself. Too many distractions. If I can survive being alone, and remember the feelings that come with it, pain yes, but the pain can lead to a sort of contentment, then I shall Become.

A better Man, Father, Husband, Lover, Friend. I shall then merge with my totem self. Feeling, (obviously), a bit of the philosophical bent this evening. This weekend was rather intense in the feeling department, but I'm working it through.

Will I take a chance? Hey, dontcha read? I'm ADD. I'm also an ESTP for you personality types out there. Yes, I'll take a chance. Yes I'll do something impulsive and possibly dangerous. Always have, always will.

BUT, I'll keep my friggin subconscious right where it belongs.......under my control. Great feeling. Too bad no one to really share it with except you, my invisible, silent friends.

Embrace your own spirit, dear Unicorn. You're never the Last. We shall make it through together and Become.

Yeah, I watched a kid fantasy movie. Touched me....................

I need some ice cream.
And I'll post again tonite with a news story that caught my eye.
Do you think Monty Python was ADD?

"And now, for something Completely Different!"

Weekend of Introspection

Wow, I always used to think that I might make a pretty good hermit. Not so. Spent the weekend pretty much without anybody up here at big old Walkabout haus. Too G-D quiet. Missed the cubs quite a bit.

Had to leave quite a few times. Did my usual walks, read, started a movie that didn't catch my interest. Had to see some people.

Stoppedin at the local pub and visited, threw down an O'Douls and ate a good meal. Got a call from lil' wolfie. Said that cuz his cousins were in town, Mama said he didn't have to go to a scheduled soccer game.

Now, you all know what I think about soccer. No big loss. On the other hand though, you also know what I think about Honor and Responsibility. I told him that the decision was his, not the Beautiful Mrs.P's responsibility, but that I'd go along with it.

So Long As He Called The Coach. And explained his situation. He did. Coach called me and said that he very much appreciated a little boy stepping up and calling him. It's usually the mom's that cover for their kids. Made me feel proud of the lil' rapscallion,heh.

Anyways, I scooted over to the Beautiful Mrs.P's to deliver lil' wolfies' school stuff for tomorrow and her little sister was there. Did I tell you that good looks run in the family genetics? I guess I just did.

We hugged. I haven't been hugged like that in months. I got teary eyed. She saw it. I vamoosed.
Surprised the hell out of me, the amount of emotion that welled up inside me. Just someone to share the hurt, if only for a moment......... AAAGH.

You see lil' sis is going through something on the lines of what I am, but with a different scenario. No, I won't go into it. It was a wonderful thing. It felt sincere, and she's probably one of the Beautiful Mrs.P's closest confidants.

So.......here I am back at Walkabout and I'll probably end up watching Flags of our Fathers. And trying to sort out my feelings once again. This having emotions and Dealing with them is a troublesome incursion in my life. Oh well........The Quest.

Last thought for the night, just so's you don't think I'm gettin' all normal on you,

Eff O J Simpson. Because I think he's a rat bastard scum who got away with a double murder? Because he's a celebrity thug who leaves a trail of horrid crap everywhere he goes?

Nope. I'm just pissed that he didn't break into My place. His number is 32. Mine is 40, as in Glock 40. Dickweed, wrong house. I'd gladly have shared my number with him. heh.

Carry on.

Another Saturday night & I ain't got..........

Awright awready, last night was a bit of an eye opener for me regarding my relationship. I go back and read these things to help me to understand where I am on this quest of mine.

Actually kinda surprised me on the reread. I knew that I was annoyed, but I hadn't consciously left out the Beautiful in Mrs.P's name. Hmmmmm. Musta been thinking about a different kind of beauty than the physical. Cuz, although she truly is a good lookin' woman on the outside, the poor thing is a busted up bit of machinery on the inside.

Sure, I readily admit that I have not been a help to her there in the last few years, but I'm getting a whole lot better at Understanding.

She has said over and over that she wants to be Happy.

I can't make her Happy.
Her cubs can't make her Happy.
Another man can't make her Happy.
NOTHING can make her Happy.

Only herself. You, yes you out there in anonymousland, want to be Happy?

Friggin' Choose to be Happy. Only she can do it. Only You can do it. You have to figure out Exactly who you really are. You have to be able to look at yourself, flaws, sins, history, lies, fantasies.............and Accept yourself. Like Yourself. Love yourself for who You Are.

Accept Where you are, look around your space and find the things that help you be Happy. Sometimes we have Responsibilities that don't make us Happy. Tough shi-ite. Be happy in the other things, show Honor in your responsibilities and you'll find what you need.

And besides, "Happy" is just a word. Don't get obsessed with it or you'll do anything to get it. Remember the earlier lesson on not Needing what you Love? Just like the Beautiful Mrs.P. She wants to be Happy so badly that she's willing to do almost anything to get it, including hurting this family apart.

That she "lost" her love for me I can and will deal with. That she's willing to destroy the unit without working with me.....it's too much to bear. Maybe, quite possibly, she's a whole Lot smarter than I, in realizing that we have to start out apart in order to be together.

There goes the eternal optimist in me again.

Just find the little joys in where you are right now. It'll take you leaps and bounds down the trail of your quest.

I have. With hard work, and I mean Hard work and a lot of help from modern miracle medicine.
Joy is exactly where we are. In your child's messy room, in a sink full of dishes, in your Family and your friends. Just open your eyes to it and embrace it like you would a lover. Overwrite your bad memories with good. Get over it.

Not sure why, but I'm feeling a bit better. Chalk this post as Blinding Insight. Just wish I could write stream of consciousness more literately.

Oh yeah, Eff USC.
No particular reason, except they just friggin' Spanked the Huskers. Ouch! They are the real deal Again.

Peace to Mrs.P. Love too.
Wollf

On Adventure, Dads, Nazis,Bad Smells and Snitching

Hey, this IS somewhat about the ADD author, isn't it? Read on, the Title makes sense, to me anyways. Hardly anything about the Relationship, unless you're evolved enough to read into the whole thing what my position is about "Roles in Parenting". (I just added that so that if you did get confused, you just might be fooled into thinking that I'm deeper than I really am) heh.

Well, just exactly what should I blather about tonite? This is a record setting evening for me, you know.......20 days in a row of doing something without allowing myself to be sidetracked. Not that much of it is good for anything except self expression, but by dammit, I happen to be pleased with myself.

The cubs all had the day off of school today. L'shanah tovah. Today is a Jewish Holiday, and I "think" I got the greeting right.

Anyway, the she-cub did what she usually does on a day off.......went into spontaneous hibernation on the couch in front of the tv. Amazing to me how although the late teens are remembered as some of the most exciting of our lives as we get older, the truth is that most of us slept through them. Heh.

The brothers, remember, 10 and 15 decided on a day o' adventure. Took a couple of their fellows and decided to tame the wilderness surrounding our neighborhood. Yes, it truly is a wilderness.....see blog on rattlesnakes, coyotes and moron suburbanites........and they really shoulda called the Beautiful Mrs.P to ask permission.

Well, needless to say, they didn't. Knowing full well what the response would be. They opted instead to venture forth into the wilds unbeknownst to Momma or Pap Wollf.

Called me in the afternoon to let me know I should pick 'em up at a different than usual coordinate. Happened to be about three miles from the homestead at the head end of a fairly rough canyon that I have hiked a time or two.

All four of 'em piled into the truck, covered head to tail in dirt, mud thistle and the Dammdest smell I ever had the misfortune to experience. They had a good time. They did some dangerous shi-ite, found the "hidden", (heh), pool, cliff and waterfall and did what kids do.

They shall receive a "talkin' to" tomorrow morning. Bigger is at Drumline, and lil' wollf is much too busy killin' Nazis on "Call of Duty" to be bothered. Give me a Break!! It's Roshshana for Chrissakes. What better day to kill Nazis?

I digress. Of friggin' course I digress, it's what I do here. Yes, I took off the muggle patch early tonite. I'm getting much more control of my "impulsivity" even without it. That's from the meditation and following Wollf's rules of order.

Hmmm........I digressed again. No wonder I drove the poore...(heh, inside joke)....Mrs.P to distraction at times.

Did it again, didn't I?

The Point being........will old Wollf snitch on the cubs? Should I tell the Beautiful Mrs.P that the elder "forgot" to let her know that he was hauling off the younger to a place unbeknownst to her? A place where all Sorts of horrible Mother Nightmares live? A place that would be cause for
World class suspension of the "joys of life", ie: GROUNDED!!!?

Heh, Not on yer friggin' life. Not the sort of thing a Momma needs to know. I'll deal with this one. That's what Dads are for. Will they get grounded? Nope. A short reminder .......Quite Firmly, I might add shall suffice, I'm sure.

There, that's your story for tonite.
I gotta go kill some Nazis.

Wednesday is Cub day

Gonna be a fairly short one tonite. Hmmm, does it seem that I start some of my longest ramblings with a statement of that sort? ADD at work, people.



No focus.....or Hyper focus. No in between unless I'm wearing the muggle patch. Havin' a bit of a time with the elder cub......15 years old, and "seems" to have a bit of a chip on his shoulder. Well, I s'pose that's to be expected, but I've got to guide him gently but firmly without showing my annoyance.

Dontcha worry 'bout the old wollf, if he succeeds in thoroughly getting me to the pissed off stage, I shall respond in a way that he shall understand, and hopefully implement in his own life. Firm shall become old school jarhead FIRM.

There's "something" going on with him, but I'm not sure exactly what it is. If the lil' cub is my clone, then the bigger is surely the Beautiful Mrs.P's. Recalcitrant, and doesn't say what he really thinks about things. Oh well, give it time. And give it Love and Patience, something I have sorely lacked in the past.

That's it. Just got a little thing off my chest tonight. Might add more later, might not.
G'night.

Hey......I'm back. Just a quick share. Lil' Wolfie has such a wonderful mind. At ten years old his grasp of the language is quite impressive, and yet, there are those times........

We stopped off at the local meksfood place.....yes Morrie, I spelt it lak thet on porpus....because the cubs were still hungry. Always hungry. Scratch that, always Famished! Anyways, got 'em another ton of food and swung by the market for a drink.

Well, next door to this little store sits an animal emergency room. Big a$$ sign out front and Lil' Wolfie says, "Dad, how come they have a Veterinarian Jail right here in the neighborhood?" "Are their a lot of bad veterinarians around here?"

Huh?

He read the sign as "Veterinary CLINK" instead of CLINIC. It was quite difficult for me. I explained the misread relatively calmly, barely a chuckle escaped my mouth, while inside I was blowing milk out my nose. Damn, I love those kids.

This time , 'night for real.

.......Six Years Later

Wow, September 11, 2001. Never Forget. Never Forgive. Never Waiver.

I guess that there are some things about me that I will Never change. I shall "respond" to people, no matter what I might feel as ill intention. Remember the Rules of the Wollf:

Overlook the Moment. Be Outspoken...with Firmness, Kindness and Patience.

But, dear Children, I shall "REACT" to Animals in human clothing. React with overwhelming force and the rage of the righteous. Show them the "mercy" that they would show to your children. Free their people from their oppression.

Just do them the kindest of favors and speed them on their way to their 72 virgins. Or was that "Virgin ians"? Heh.

All right, Rant over, safe and holster your firearms. Stand Down and at ease.

Lotsa thoughts, but can't really address the issues with the Beautiful Mrs.P tonight. Suffice to say that I caught the faintest glimmer of hope today. Wonderful possibilities, but I must be steadfast in my acceptance of the situation.

I really cannot bear much more hurt. I won't expect, and I can't be disappointed..........yeah, right.

A heartfelt thank you to all who have taken the time to simply listen to me, or go to the trouble of wading through my online ramblings. I "need" that, and I appreciate it.

More weird stuff I'm noticing about myself. Don't tell anybody. I Like ice cream. I mean a Lot. I have NEVER liked ice cream......ever, even as a wee wollf cub. Always leaned toward salty, bitter tastes. Maybe because the brain chemistry is levelled out? Wonder if I'll turn into a pudgy old guy?

Ladies, don't worry.....Not gonna happen......although I did just eat about a pint of Haagen-Daz Banana Split heaven........hmmmm, tummy hurts.

OK, kinda boring, but I've been answering e-mails all evening and I'm gonna turn this thing off.

Eff Bin Ladin. Eff him big time. Have you ever noticed that Muslim Fundamentalist can be shortened to.......Em Effer? Obviously I just did. Note to all other (much more talented Bloggers),

First Dibs on the Copyrite for Em Effers! I can just imagine the bumper stickers and tee shirts now. Frank J at IMAO would be so proud.

That is all.

Would that they could.......

Never mind. The self is the least of it. Let our scars fall in love. ~Galway Kinnell



Wow. Sometimes I just have nothing else to say. Very rarely to be sure.....but Sometimes.



I'm tired tonight. Gonna shower and hit the rack. Wish me good dreams. I wish them to you.



I realised tonite that No one cries alone.



G'night.

Philosophy Night

You can't wake a person who is pretending to be asleep. ~Navajo Proverb

We perceive that the person is asleep. We do not see the reality that she is not.

Each person's reality is not only subject to their individual perceptions, but is actually different.
Mine is definitely askew of yours and quite possibly not even able to be understood, just as I, with my different reality cannot understand yours.

A relatively simple concept, I happen to be color blind. Severely. How can I possibly put into words the reality that I perceive?

You'll attempt, quite naively, to understand by holding up an object and asking, "What color do You see?". I don't have an answer for you. If you could look through my eyes, you would probably see something in the white-gray-black, tinged with red, the only color that I truly see as you do.

Is the beautiful Mrs.P's heart "asleep"? If it is, can I do anything to awaken it? And what if she is simply feigning sleep? Then I surely cannot.

Just as you cannot see my reality, I cannot see yours. And yet our realities are intertwined, never to be totally unraveled.

We are each here, born to our parents, Wed to our spouses for a reason. To understand. But how?

I can't understand a woman that I have lived with for twenty years. Frustrating to finally have my mind freed of its constraints and quite probably not being able to share this new wonder with Her.

Sorry about the rambling, had a bit of conversation with the beautiful Mrs.P that was not very encouraging as to the longevity of our marital relationship. Nothing she sees as bad at all. Too much damage done to a fragile and unforgiving soul.

Well, I don't need her. I'll love her, and if this ends, that Love will fade, but I shall cling to this new and pure form of Love, I think they call it agape' in the Greek, for as long as I am able. She deserves no less.

I can love her in this form, even from the loving bed of another woman.

Think I have to Howl a bit.
Or Hunt. There's always prey to be had, the wolf just needs to sniff it out.

In nomine Patris et fillii et Spiritus Sancti ........

Goodnite. Lotsa thoughts there that should probably be expounded on.
Love someone with all your Soul. But don't Need them.

righton

Losing an illusion makes you wiser than finding a truth. ~Ludwig Börne



That's it for serious. Lil' wolfie had a soccer game this mornin' after spending the night with me over here at Walkabout House. Dam, that boy's a clone. A bit more athletic than I was, more than likely, and knock on wood, he'll have more sense than me regarding things like ridin' bulls and volunteering to jump out of perfectly functioning aircraft.



Might avoid the ADD that way. Anyhoo, the evening was'bout the same as they've become since ol' Wollf started his quest. Dinner and philosophy conversation, (don't be concerned, I was able to keep up with him.....well, kinda), a nice long walk out through the neighborhood, (didn't realize that we were downright infested with evil enemies....he got 'em all), and then did a little two person video gaming, I did the Acceptance blog, and lights out. Any evening with that cub is a good one.

Reasonable day, too. Boy can Play goalie. The beautiful Mrs.P swung by the park and picked him up for piano lesson, we had a brief and unemotional, (for me anyway), conversation and away they went.

Went for another hike, it's cooled down quite a bit, but Still had to remove three rattlers from the trail. Dam suburbanites see 'em on the trail, go all ape shi-ite and crush the poor critters with whatever rocks they can find. Me, I'm still just dumb and animal loving enough to pick 'em up and send 'em on their way downhill and out of the way.

Point of fact: Most suburbanites don't like snakes. All suburbanites Hate rats. Snakes EAT rats.
Getting the corollary here? Less snakes=More rats. That's math there.

Oh, and how 'bout coyotes? If you live in suburbia surrounded by wilderness, you are going to see coyotes.....probably one of Nature's most adaptable species. Especially when it's dry.

There is absolutely NO friggin' reason to set up a neighborhood committee to "discuss" where the pets are disappearing to. No need to hang a flyer on the street sign looking for your missing little friend. Yep, I feel for you, but let's do a Nature fact:

When it's Dry in the Wild, animals will search out water. A Coyote is an Animal. You have a friggin' Pool.....aka......water.

So, following the logic trail, we can then postulate that the Coyote, being thirsty, smells your Pool. Decides to visit......by the way, usually with a few of his closest friends, gets a drink, notices little fluffy hissing "menacingly" and does what Coyotes are wont to do.

Dinner. Free. Easier than chasing down a rabbit or a ground squirrel. Cats are dumb that way. They see a Coyote and think they can stare it down. Doesn't ever work. Domestication was a bad bit of human originated evolution for the cat.

So, folks, please stop inviting me to your meetings. I'm just gonna tell you the truth about that Coyote "happy dance" you heard last night, and you're going to call me cruel. Nope, I'm really not.

But you truly are a Dumba$$ for leaving fluffy out all night.

Oh, yeah, Eff Hasbro Toys.... G.I. Joe stands for Government Issue. Not Global Integrated Joint Operating Entity! WTF? I'm not going any further with this one. People's panties in a bunch all over the news....saves me typing. And besides..........

Eff you people that are making a Huge deal about it.

To sum up:
Snakes eat Rats
Coyotes have a taste for stupid small Pets
Suburbanites are generally clueless as to the Reality of wilderness.
It's a friggin' Doll, already. Give the moaning a break.

Yup, you guessed it; started the Blog as my meds wore off. Heh.

That is all.
Dismissed.

Well, Now that That's off my chest.......

Much better day! ACCEPTANCE. Lotsa meaning there. But with faith. Got a positive....well, let's just say "acceptable" response to a clarification email between myself and the beautiful Mrs.P.

I've finally accepted that this whole thing might not have the outcome that I've been hoping for, and I realize that I'm ok with it. No, I don't want the big "D" word in my life, but I will get through it and continue on my journey.

Point of fact is that this "dark" time in my life has been the turning point so that I've been able to see the light for once. No matter how it turns out, I will have made significant steps toward enlightenment. Toward being the best Man that I can be.

Toward loving as we were meant to. Without expectation of being loved in return. And passing on that ability to my cubs. They will become beter Men and Fathers and Husbands because of this.

This particular understanding came to me courtesy of a Man that said to me, because of who he is, a Most Astounding thing. "You don't need her". The Raven is more my friend than he can imagine. It must have been terribly hard for him, but he said Exactly what I needed to hear. He redirected my thinking with four simple words. That, of course is why he has the Raven as his Native Amerind Totem.

"The Raven", the Teacher.

Thus, once again, Understanding from an unexpected source.

In order to Love, one cannot Need the object of that love.

Now, I'm done with this sort of sharing for a bit. This new and (to me), Profound Understanding is going to percolate for a while. I don't feel any misgivings about this. It'll work or it won't. No regrets, no more remorse. I shall Love the beautiful Mrs.P anyway.

From her bed, or if I become involved with another Woman. Doesn't matter. She has given me too much to deny.

Next time.............Funny.......Promise.

Thank you to the Raven

Why I didn't Post last nite....

Instead of 'splain'n, Lucy, what follows is a cut-n-paste of an e-mail back-n-forth between the Beautiful Mrs.P and old Wollf,(me).

My response, all "tinged" with frustration at not being heard, came from her opening line. I had sent her a message letting her know that my Diagnosing Doc had contacted me and requested that she and I both come in and consult with him about my particular ADD, the effects of my "self meding" and get us both on the same page and trying to work out the past, and move into the future.....Together.

He makes no bones about wanting to get the family healed. Me neither. But, it takes two to really heal.

Anyhoo, her excerpted, (but exact),response to my request. The "whole" email has a bit too much in the way of family info, and no way do I want Anyone who is actually entertained by my style of writing, to know to much about the Pack. Just kiddin'! Kinda.

Her response:

"I can't imagine why Dr (REDACTED)would want to see us both so NO I don't want to
be a part of that. If he really has something to tell me he can email or
call me."

Right. Followed by Directions on what I needed to buy,(which items I had already bought), and where I had to have the cubs, when and with what. Signed off with a "Later, (NAME REDACTED).

I wrote back, probably in the most strong and clear language I've ever used with the Beautiful Mrs. P. Pay attention, folks....There truly will be a one word quiz at the end. If anyone wants to, I would Really appreciate the answer in the comments.

My E-mail back:

"That spells out your lack of interest Quite bluntly.
I definitely felt a bit of a chill when we "visited".

I'll take care of All the things a Dad needs to.

AND, I shall not become annoyed by the current tone you keep.

AND, it's because, although I thoroughly deserved the emotional beatings that you have given me, it' too late for more.
That horse is DEAD.

I'm friggin' Lost here, and I have nothing.

You show nothing but contempt for me. Fine, I Deserve to hurt.

You're afraid of something. Don't be. It seems You want out, and you don't want anything to sway you.
You're winning, I'm starting to lose hope.

It ISN'T an excuse...but it's,(at least to me), a friggin' Reason! And it's treatable, and controllable and I.......or we, have to accept that a lot of the Bullsh...I made you endure came out of it, and my inability to hear or act or talk or communicate or relate or be friggin' intimate with you because of it.

Without belittling any of the HURT I gave YOU at All, IT'S given ME a whole hell of a lot more pain than it has you!

Depression is FUN?
Wanting to Kill yourself is Fun?
Losing the woman that you Love is FUN?
Not being with your kids is FUN?
Drinking Just so it'll Shut he Eff up is FUN?

I'm more different now than you can imagine.
A chance, now that I can understand, that's all I'm wanting.

I'm, by the way, not Even angry with you.
I AM however about Truly Done with God's sick seeming sense of Cosmic Humor.
I feel like a lot of my friggin' LIFE has been wasted.

Yeah, I've always been able to see "Glimpses" of the Beauty, but not until Friggin' NOW have I been able to HOLD on to it!

I'm not sorry for writing this. I make up my Own mind on Everything I do Now.
I don't have a friggin' gazillion thoughts zinging around, spitting out Venomand half formed thoughts with little and sometimes no control.
I don't have to cover my feelings and emotions and thoughts because

I OWN them now.

My Love for you isn't going anywhere.
It's here to stay for a long time.

My Blog isn't going to be very funfilled tonite."

Wow, huh? The quiz question...and "maybe" I'l try to go all modern on ya by inserting a voting deali-bob;

What do YOU think? Was I Too Harsh? It just feels to me that she has made up her mind and NO way is she going to subject herself to "input" contrary to her Foregone Conclusion.

I'll try to Blog less Bummerish,(yes college peoples, I know I made that up, though I Did try to use it once in Scrabble).........later tonite.

Have some ice cream, answer the question; I can definitely use some "muggle" insight.
I'm starting to like you guys.....heh.

Not sucha good one.........'cept the cubs.

not the Chicago Cubs........Had the boyz over. Schedules have changed. A bit frantic at first, gettin' lil' wolfie from school, over to Mrs.P's to practice his music real quick, then off to soccer. Dropped him, back to her haus to get big Mack, video store, back to soccer to get wolfie, Taco Bell.......a Dad's best friend, and then up to Walkabout for homework, dinner and a "way" stupid movie, before taking them both back to moms.

I've got LOTS to say 'bout the beautiful Mrs.P. tonite, but I'm not gonna share. This is definitely one for a serious session of meditation and reflection.

Nothing good will come out of this keyboard on that subject tonite. Time to nut up again, figure out Why I'm so bothered and take steps to correct it and move forward.

Anger and annoyance lead to frustration and resentment. Dealing with them for what they Really are, looking for the root cause of the Individual annoyance leads to enlightenment, and thus Understanding.

The new mantra is to "Overlook the moment of annoyance, be outspoken about what I feel, with Firmness, Kindness and Patience." Doesn't mean I can't or won't get pissed, just means that I'll work it through before reacting to it.

If you knew the old Wolf, you'd realize what a tall order this quest has been, and will continue to be for me. I would honestly prefer sometimes to be Much less enlightened and just kick the living shi-ite out of people.

Remember the old bumper sticker? The definition of Stress is that Horrible feeling that we get when we refrain from choking the living h-ll out of someone who desperately deserves it. Used to feel quite fine, in a shallow, uncivilized way when I neglected to refrain.

Lighter subject, then I'll go contemplate my navel.

Remember the movie above? I think as this log evolves, another fun thing to do,(for me, not necessarily you), is to do a weekly movie review, Wolf style. You'll get the insight of your semi average Joe America, keenly pointing out the nuances and entertainment value of new things at the cinema or the video store.

Tonite's Movie Revueooooooo!

Delta Farce: Starring a couple guys who I Love watching do standup on the Blue Collar series. Movie sucks. Not worth the four bucks. When the ten year old thinks something's Stooopid, well, all I can say is that the boy has discriminating taste. Thing even has a friggin' Bad Guy named.....Carlos Santana. AAIIEEEEE!, my EYES!!

End of Revue.
End of Blog.
Pass the salt.

G'nite anyone there..........

G'Nite, all

Well, it was a longer, more tiring day than I had planned and I'm just plain tuckered out.

I know, I know.....you're all Horribly disappointed. I said that jokingly, but for some reason the site is actually getting a few "hits" is what I think you call 'em. Heh, random stumblings into the sometimes Light and sometimes Dark Lair of the Wolf.

Gives me the heebie jeebies, and I'm the one writing this drivel. Heh.

Didn't have a chance to see any of the cubs, or the Beautiful Mrs.P today,for that matter.

Did I tell you I actually Hate, abhor, despise and am generally annoyed by the latest electronic rage? Can you guess? Ha, you're not even gonna try, 'cuz you know I'm gonna tell you whether you want me to, or not.

TEXT MESSAGING!!! Whose friggin idea of time well spent is This abomination? It was pretty much the only "acceptable" means of communication for Mrs.P and I for the first Two weeks of this separation.

You Never know if somebody gets your message Unless they respond. And you can guess how that went, trying to communicate with "recalcitrant" house.

Nobody uses the same shorthand, or they use a "word generator" and don't proofread before sending, so half the friggin time, I feel like some poor G-Dam Japanese Corporal tryin to break the Navaho Windtalker's code. Neer on never do I get the meaning of the message without guessing. And, as you would rightfully suppose, I often guess Wrong.

And....My friggin' thumbs are too big for this shi-ite. And after only a few back and forths....they seem to lock up on me.

Texting, dear readers is an abomination against our Most Holy. Well, maybe not, but I'm a Man, and I can't do it.........so there.

Eff Cel Phones anyway. They keep us in Too much instant contact. I turned mine off when I went hiking. Truly a freeing experience.

I'm going to bed.
Hugs all around,
Smoke 'em if you got 'em.