Wednesday, September 19, 2007
Great Mood...........
Holy bejeezers. Yup, I am actually and truly in a good mood. And after last night's writing, it seems rather surprising to me.
At least at first. I Understand. I've accepted that she's gone. Finito. Done. Whew, what a friggin' Relief. Not that she's gone. That I not only accept it, as consequences for my actions, but that the "wishing","hoping" and stress of "trying" so friggin' hard just to be slapped down.
She can't allow or simply doesn't want to see what I'm Becoming. She's in what she considers to be her Better Place. And she's blinded to mine.
AND, the old Wollf doesn't give a rats a$$. Period. She doesn't know what she's missing in this new movie that I'm writing.
Oh hey, don't get me wrong, I'm pretty sure that I'd take her back in a heartbeat if it happened relatively soon, but I'm going to get on with this new Life that I've finally got. I can't and won't expend any more energy on worrying about losing her.
I already have. Lifes a beach. Go for a swim. Don't friggin' worry about the sharks.
I suppose I'll mourn it a bit, bt I won't let it distract me from my quest. If I hadn't made the progress down the "enlightenment" path that I already have, I'd still be wallowing.
Done. I'm actually, if I say so myself, and you know I will.......a pretty dam good guy all in all. Relatively intelligent, in shape, good lookin' enough not to make the babies cry, got some cash, sensitive and fun lovin' in a whole new way, and I have Absolutely No problem with kicking the shi-ite out of anyone who desperately needs it. Heh.
Better still than that, I've got the most amazing pack of cubs any man could Ever hope for. I'm so friggin' proud of 'em, you couldn't believe.
Why cry
She's not with me,
I've still got
My Family.
Oh yeah, Doc revised my muggle patch yesterday. Probably didn't hurt my situation.
Better living through modern chemistry. And introspection and self awareness and honesty and meditation and sobriety and doing all the Hard Shi-ite the Hard Way.
Too bad. Too bad for me? Yup, a bit. But definitely too bad for her. I'm movin' on.
She's welcome to join me, but I think she oughta ask nicely.
And soon.
Wollf's gotta go play with lil' wolfie.
Seems we're WWE wrestlers tonite.
He's probably gonna kick my a$$. Thanks for that one, Jewels.
God Bless you, Lady. I truly hope you're really where you want to be.
G'nite, Morrie, thanks for the help. Heh, said I'd do a shout out.
Oops........forgot. Eff that little 'zona elf. There Is an a$$ out there that I think could use a kickin'. Danger, Will Robinson.
Wollf is Truly back.
Over.
At least at first. I Understand. I've accepted that she's gone. Finito. Done. Whew, what a friggin' Relief. Not that she's gone. That I not only accept it, as consequences for my actions, but that the "wishing","hoping" and stress of "trying" so friggin' hard just to be slapped down.
She can't allow or simply doesn't want to see what I'm Becoming. She's in what she considers to be her Better Place. And she's blinded to mine.
AND, the old Wollf doesn't give a rats a$$. Period. She doesn't know what she's missing in this new movie that I'm writing.
Oh hey, don't get me wrong, I'm pretty sure that I'd take her back in a heartbeat if it happened relatively soon, but I'm going to get on with this new Life that I've finally got. I can't and won't expend any more energy on worrying about losing her.
I already have. Lifes a beach. Go for a swim. Don't friggin' worry about the sharks.
I suppose I'll mourn it a bit, bt I won't let it distract me from my quest. If I hadn't made the progress down the "enlightenment" path that I already have, I'd still be wallowing.
Done. I'm actually, if I say so myself, and you know I will.......a pretty dam good guy all in all. Relatively intelligent, in shape, good lookin' enough not to make the babies cry, got some cash, sensitive and fun lovin' in a whole new way, and I have Absolutely No problem with kicking the shi-ite out of anyone who desperately needs it. Heh.
Better still than that, I've got the most amazing pack of cubs any man could Ever hope for. I'm so friggin' proud of 'em, you couldn't believe.
Why cry
She's not with me,
I've still got
My Family.
Oh yeah, Doc revised my muggle patch yesterday. Probably didn't hurt my situation.
Better living through modern chemistry. And introspection and self awareness and honesty and meditation and sobriety and doing all the Hard Shi-ite the Hard Way.
Too bad. Too bad for me? Yup, a bit. But definitely too bad for her. I'm movin' on.
She's welcome to join me, but I think she oughta ask nicely.
And soon.
Wollf's gotta go play with lil' wolfie.
Seems we're WWE wrestlers tonite.
He's probably gonna kick my a$$. Thanks for that one, Jewels.
God Bless you, Lady. I truly hope you're really where you want to be.
G'nite, Morrie, thanks for the help. Heh, said I'd do a shout out.
Oops........forgot. Eff that little 'zona elf. There Is an a$$ out there that I think could use a kickin'. Danger, Will Robinson.
Wollf is Truly back.
Over.
Tuesday, September 18, 2007
Baseball Oddity, a Bummer evening and Unicorns
Un Friggin' Believable! Swiped it from one of my fave sites, IMAO. Thanks Frank J. I enjoy baseball, but I Love this! Now we'll see if I can insert the dam thing. You'll never see that again. Screwed up, it's at the Bottom!!!!
But miracles do happen. And after the hour long convesation, ( on the friggin' phone no less), I feel the need for a miracle. Wasn't pleasant for me or the Beautiful Mrs.P.
Polite, I should say Civil, but I'm chilled to the core. Her heart seems to be ice. I said seems. Who can tell? Certainly not I. Concentrate, Wollf, it ain't about you. I gotta be full armor and hugs for the cubs. Her decision will be hers. I hope she chooses wisely and whichever way she goes, I've got to nut up and try to be there for her too.
This Honor thing I've got is sometimes a real pain in the a$$. She told me I wasn't enjoyable to be around, and that I wasn't interesting. Not fun.
Well Judas Pi$$ in a tin cup, woman. I've spoken to her a total of three times in a month for about a half hour each time, trying to figure out how to save something that's oh so important, tears show through, pain shows through..........how the F%&K can I seem "enjoyable","interesting" or friggin' "FUN"?
Boyo, the Therapist is gonna get an earful. And to the Great Spirit, If this goes where it's seeming, then the no drinkin' covenant is boken, right? Cuz, my friends, I think I shall desire a bit of adult refreshment. Think I'll get a Harley too. Been a while. Nope, just talkin', probably.
And, don't anbody tell, but ol' Wollf is down to 2% bodyfat, the Kata and weightsworkouts are doing their thing and I'm actually showing sixpack again. And, I'm feeling randy as all H#%L. OwOOOooooh. (Is that how you spell a howl?)
Oh yeah, went all wizard on you about two hours ago. Muggle patch gone from my hip, I become Lord of the Ramblin' Men..... So there you have it, campers.
Have you ever seen a Unicorn? It's beautiful, but it's fragile. Don't just jump off the edge with anyone. Take your time, you've got your whole life. Heh, I've just found mine. If I can overcome and continue my quest, anyone can.
And, I'll be right here. To help. To guide. To catch the hand of anyone that needs it. Please do the same for me.
G'nite to my cubs.....they're here tomorrow. G'nite to Mrs.P........thoughtful dreams. Remember what I said, "You're not breaking just one heart. You're breaking them all........"
Sometimes the greatest gift is an unanswered prayer. In Mrs.P's case, that might be true. TTime to prepare for the hunt. Sweet dreams
But miracles do happen. And after the hour long convesation, ( on the friggin' phone no less), I feel the need for a miracle. Wasn't pleasant for me or the Beautiful Mrs.P.
Polite, I should say Civil, but I'm chilled to the core. Her heart seems to be ice. I said seems. Who can tell? Certainly not I. Concentrate, Wollf, it ain't about you. I gotta be full armor and hugs for the cubs. Her decision will be hers. I hope she chooses wisely and whichever way she goes, I've got to nut up and try to be there for her too.
This Honor thing I've got is sometimes a real pain in the a$$. She told me I wasn't enjoyable to be around, and that I wasn't interesting. Not fun.
Well Judas Pi$$ in a tin cup, woman. I've spoken to her a total of three times in a month for about a half hour each time, trying to figure out how to save something that's oh so important, tears show through, pain shows through..........how the F%&K can I seem "enjoyable","interesting" or friggin' "FUN"?
Boyo, the Therapist is gonna get an earful. And to the Great Spirit, If this goes where it's seeming, then the no drinkin' covenant is boken, right? Cuz, my friends, I think I shall desire a bit of adult refreshment. Think I'll get a Harley too. Been a while. Nope, just talkin', probably.
And, don't anbody tell, but ol' Wollf is down to 2% bodyfat, the Kata and weightsworkouts are doing their thing and I'm actually showing sixpack again. And, I'm feeling randy as all H#%L. OwOOOooooh. (Is that how you spell a howl?)
Oh yeah, went all wizard on you about two hours ago. Muggle patch gone from my hip, I become Lord of the Ramblin' Men..... So there you have it, campers.
Have you ever seen a Unicorn? It's beautiful, but it's fragile. Don't just jump off the edge with anyone. Take your time, you've got your whole life. Heh, I've just found mine. If I can overcome and continue my quest, anyone can.
And, I'll be right here. To help. To guide. To catch the hand of anyone that needs it. Please do the same for me.
G'nite to my cubs.....they're here tomorrow. G'nite to Mrs.P........thoughtful dreams. Remember what I said, "You're not breaking just one heart. You're breaking them all........"
Sometimes the greatest gift is an unanswered prayer. In Mrs.P's case, that might be true. TTime to prepare for the hunt. Sweet dreams
Monday, September 17, 2007
Another Suburbanite?
With great thanks to a little red haired girl, an inspiring story:
In 1986, Mikele Mebembe was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from Northwestern University. On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air.
The elephant seemed distressed, so Mikele approached it very carefully. He got down on one knee and inspected the elephant's foot and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it. As carefully and as gently as he could, Mikele worked the wood out with his hunting knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot.
The elephant turned to face the man, and with a rather curious look on its face, stared at him for several tense moments.
Mikele stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled. Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned, and walked away.
Mikele never forgot that elephant or the events of that day. Twenty years later, Mikele was walking through the Chicago Zoo with his teenaged son.
As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to near where Mikele and his son Tapu were standing. The large bull elephant stared at Mikele, lifted its front foot off the ground, then put it down. The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man.
Remembering the encounter in 1986, Mikele couldn't help wondering if this was the same elephant. Mikele summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder.
The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Mikele's legs and slammed him against the railing, killing him instantly.
Probably wasn't the same elephant.
Heh. I promised "Something Completely Different", didn't I?
Lights out, if I can stop giggling at the complete absurdity of it all. Kind of a meteaphor of where my life's been. Hopefully I got the picture inserted. If, by chance it's yours and you want it out, let me know. No sense pi$$ing off new people.
The ice cream was great.
Cherry. Yum.
I don't want to be alone either..........
But it's the place on the path that I am......Aloneness. As a state of being. As a lesson. As a gift.
For without feeling and embracing the aloneness, how can we ever appreciate being with someone?
Day in and day out, the same old thing. It becomes drudgery even to the best of us. One of the reasons that the Wolf is my perfect animal totem is my loyalty to and my yearning for the "Pack". I'm a social animal. Most of us are.
But, in this quest of mine to be the best of Men, (no, I'll never make that) I realize that I have to grab hold of my loneliness. I've got to rise above my natural loathing for it. There is no other way to find myself. Too many distractions. If I can survive being alone, and remember the feelings that come with it, pain yes, but the pain can lead to a sort of contentment, then I shall Become.
A better Man, Father, Husband, Lover, Friend. I shall then merge with my totem self. Feeling, (obviously), a bit of the philosophical bent this evening. This weekend was rather intense in the feeling department, but I'm working it through.
Will I take a chance? Hey, dontcha read? I'm ADD. I'm also an ESTP for you personality types out there. Yes, I'll take a chance. Yes I'll do something impulsive and possibly dangerous. Always have, always will.
BUT, I'll keep my friggin subconscious right where it belongs.......under my control. Great feeling. Too bad no one to really share it with except you, my invisible, silent friends.
Embrace your own spirit, dear Unicorn. You're never the Last. We shall make it through together and Become.
Yeah, I watched a kid fantasy movie. Touched me....................
I need some ice cream.
And I'll post again tonite with a news story that caught my eye.
Do you think Monty Python was ADD?
"And now, for something Completely Different!"
For without feeling and embracing the aloneness, how can we ever appreciate being with someone?
Day in and day out, the same old thing. It becomes drudgery even to the best of us. One of the reasons that the Wolf is my perfect animal totem is my loyalty to and my yearning for the "Pack". I'm a social animal. Most of us are.
But, in this quest of mine to be the best of Men, (no, I'll never make that) I realize that I have to grab hold of my loneliness. I've got to rise above my natural loathing for it. There is no other way to find myself. Too many distractions. If I can survive being alone, and remember the feelings that come with it, pain yes, but the pain can lead to a sort of contentment, then I shall Become.
A better Man, Father, Husband, Lover, Friend. I shall then merge with my totem self. Feeling, (obviously), a bit of the philosophical bent this evening. This weekend was rather intense in the feeling department, but I'm working it through.
Will I take a chance? Hey, dontcha read? I'm ADD. I'm also an ESTP for you personality types out there. Yes, I'll take a chance. Yes I'll do something impulsive and possibly dangerous. Always have, always will.
BUT, I'll keep my friggin subconscious right where it belongs.......under my control. Great feeling. Too bad no one to really share it with except you, my invisible, silent friends.
Embrace your own spirit, dear Unicorn. You're never the Last. We shall make it through together and Become.
Yeah, I watched a kid fantasy movie. Touched me....................
I need some ice cream.
And I'll post again tonite with a news story that caught my eye.
Do you think Monty Python was ADD?
"And now, for something Completely Different!"
Sunday, September 16, 2007
Weekend of Introspection
Wow, I always used to think that I might make a pretty good hermit. Not so. Spent the weekend pretty much without anybody up here at big old Walkabout haus. Too G-D quiet. Missed the cubs quite a bit.
Had to leave quite a few times. Did my usual walks, read, started a movie that didn't catch my interest. Had to see some people.
Stoppedin at the local pub and visited, threw down an O'Douls and ate a good meal. Got a call from lil' wolfie. Said that cuz his cousins were in town, Mama said he didn't have to go to a scheduled soccer game.
Now, you all know what I think about soccer. No big loss. On the other hand though, you also know what I think about Honor and Responsibility. I told him that the decision was his, not the Beautiful Mrs.P's responsibility, but that I'd go along with it.
So Long As He Called The Coach. And explained his situation. He did. Coach called me and said that he very much appreciated a little boy stepping up and calling him. It's usually the mom's that cover for their kids. Made me feel proud of the lil' rapscallion,heh.
Anyways, I scooted over to the Beautiful Mrs.P's to deliver lil' wolfies' school stuff for tomorrow and her little sister was there. Did I tell you that good looks run in the family genetics? I guess I just did.
We hugged. I haven't been hugged like that in months. I got teary eyed. She saw it. I vamoosed.
Surprised the hell out of me, the amount of emotion that welled up inside me. Just someone to share the hurt, if only for a moment......... AAAGH.
You see lil' sis is going through something on the lines of what I am, but with a different scenario. No, I won't go into it. It was a wonderful thing. It felt sincere, and she's probably one of the Beautiful Mrs.P's closest confidants.
So.......here I am back at Walkabout and I'll probably end up watching Flags of our Fathers. And trying to sort out my feelings once again. This having emotions and Dealing with them is a troublesome incursion in my life. Oh well........The Quest.
Last thought for the night, just so's you don't think I'm gettin' all normal on you,
Eff O J Simpson. Because I think he's a rat bastard scum who got away with a double murder? Because he's a celebrity thug who leaves a trail of horrid crap everywhere he goes?
Nope. I'm just pissed that he didn't break into My place. His number is 32. Mine is 40, as in Glock 40. Dickweed, wrong house. I'd gladly have shared my number with him. heh.
Carry on.
Had to leave quite a few times. Did my usual walks, read, started a movie that didn't catch my interest. Had to see some people.
Stoppedin at the local pub and visited, threw down an O'Douls and ate a good meal. Got a call from lil' wolfie. Said that cuz his cousins were in town, Mama said he didn't have to go to a scheduled soccer game.
Now, you all know what I think about soccer. No big loss. On the other hand though, you also know what I think about Honor and Responsibility. I told him that the decision was his, not the Beautiful Mrs.P's responsibility, but that I'd go along with it.
So Long As He Called The Coach. And explained his situation. He did. Coach called me and said that he very much appreciated a little boy stepping up and calling him. It's usually the mom's that cover for their kids. Made me feel proud of the lil' rapscallion,heh.
Anyways, I scooted over to the Beautiful Mrs.P's to deliver lil' wolfies' school stuff for tomorrow and her little sister was there. Did I tell you that good looks run in the family genetics? I guess I just did.
We hugged. I haven't been hugged like that in months. I got teary eyed. She saw it. I vamoosed.
Surprised the hell out of me, the amount of emotion that welled up inside me. Just someone to share the hurt, if only for a moment......... AAAGH.
You see lil' sis is going through something on the lines of what I am, but with a different scenario. No, I won't go into it. It was a wonderful thing. It felt sincere, and she's probably one of the Beautiful Mrs.P's closest confidants.
So.......here I am back at Walkabout and I'll probably end up watching Flags of our Fathers. And trying to sort out my feelings once again. This having emotions and Dealing with them is a troublesome incursion in my life. Oh well........The Quest.
Last thought for the night, just so's you don't think I'm gettin' all normal on you,
Eff O J Simpson. Because I think he's a rat bastard scum who got away with a double murder? Because he's a celebrity thug who leaves a trail of horrid crap everywhere he goes?
Nope. I'm just pissed that he didn't break into My place. His number is 32. Mine is 40, as in Glock 40. Dickweed, wrong house. I'd gladly have shared my number with him. heh.
Carry on.
Saturday, September 15, 2007
Another Saturday night & I ain't got..........
Awright awready, last night was a bit of an eye opener for me regarding my relationship. I go back and read these things to help me to understand where I am on this quest of mine.
Actually kinda surprised me on the reread. I knew that I was annoyed, but I hadn't consciously left out the Beautiful in Mrs.P's name. Hmmmmm. Musta been thinking about a different kind of beauty than the physical. Cuz, although she truly is a good lookin' woman on the outside, the poor thing is a busted up bit of machinery on the inside.
Sure, I readily admit that I have not been a help to her there in the last few years, but I'm getting a whole lot better at Understanding.
She has said over and over that she wants to be Happy.
I can't make her Happy.
Her cubs can't make her Happy.
Another man can't make her Happy.
NOTHING can make her Happy.
Only herself. You, yes you out there in anonymousland, want to be Happy?
Friggin' Choose to be Happy. Only she can do it. Only You can do it. You have to figure out Exactly who you really are. You have to be able to look at yourself, flaws, sins, history, lies, fantasies.............and Accept yourself. Like Yourself. Love yourself for who You Are.
Accept Where you are, look around your space and find the things that help you be Happy. Sometimes we have Responsibilities that don't make us Happy. Tough shi-ite. Be happy in the other things, show Honor in your responsibilities and you'll find what you need.
And besides, "Happy" is just a word. Don't get obsessed with it or you'll do anything to get it. Remember the earlier lesson on not Needing what you Love? Just like the Beautiful Mrs.P. She wants to be Happy so badly that she's willing to do almost anything to get it, including hurting this family apart.
That she "lost" her love for me I can and will deal with. That she's willing to destroy the unit without working with me.....it's too much to bear. Maybe, quite possibly, she's a whole Lot smarter than I, in realizing that we have to start out apart in order to be together.
There goes the eternal optimist in me again.
Just find the little joys in where you are right now. It'll take you leaps and bounds down the trail of your quest.
I have. With hard work, and I mean Hard work and a lot of help from modern miracle medicine.
Joy is exactly where we are. In your child's messy room, in a sink full of dishes, in your Family and your friends. Just open your eyes to it and embrace it like you would a lover. Overwrite your bad memories with good. Get over it.
Not sure why, but I'm feeling a bit better. Chalk this post as Blinding Insight. Just wish I could write stream of consciousness more literately.
Oh yeah, Eff USC.
No particular reason, except they just friggin' Spanked the Huskers. Ouch! They are the real deal Again.
Peace to Mrs.P. Love too.
Wollf
Actually kinda surprised me on the reread. I knew that I was annoyed, but I hadn't consciously left out the Beautiful in Mrs.P's name. Hmmmmm. Musta been thinking about a different kind of beauty than the physical. Cuz, although she truly is a good lookin' woman on the outside, the poor thing is a busted up bit of machinery on the inside.
Sure, I readily admit that I have not been a help to her there in the last few years, but I'm getting a whole lot better at Understanding.
She has said over and over that she wants to be Happy.
I can't make her Happy.
Her cubs can't make her Happy.
Another man can't make her Happy.
NOTHING can make her Happy.
Only herself. You, yes you out there in anonymousland, want to be Happy?
Friggin' Choose to be Happy. Only she can do it. Only You can do it. You have to figure out Exactly who you really are. You have to be able to look at yourself, flaws, sins, history, lies, fantasies.............and Accept yourself. Like Yourself. Love yourself for who You Are.
Accept Where you are, look around your space and find the things that help you be Happy. Sometimes we have Responsibilities that don't make us Happy. Tough shi-ite. Be happy in the other things, show Honor in your responsibilities and you'll find what you need.
And besides, "Happy" is just a word. Don't get obsessed with it or you'll do anything to get it. Remember the earlier lesson on not Needing what you Love? Just like the Beautiful Mrs.P. She wants to be Happy so badly that she's willing to do almost anything to get it, including hurting this family apart.
That she "lost" her love for me I can and will deal with. That she's willing to destroy the unit without working with me.....it's too much to bear. Maybe, quite possibly, she's a whole Lot smarter than I, in realizing that we have to start out apart in order to be together.
There goes the eternal optimist in me again.
Just find the little joys in where you are right now. It'll take you leaps and bounds down the trail of your quest.
I have. With hard work, and I mean Hard work and a lot of help from modern miracle medicine.
Joy is exactly where we are. In your child's messy room, in a sink full of dishes, in your Family and your friends. Just open your eyes to it and embrace it like you would a lover. Overwrite your bad memories with good. Get over it.
Not sure why, but I'm feeling a bit better. Chalk this post as Blinding Insight. Just wish I could write stream of consciousness more literately.
Oh yeah, Eff USC.
No particular reason, except they just friggin' Spanked the Huskers. Ouch! They are the real deal Again.
Peace to Mrs.P. Love too.
Wollf
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