Instead of 'splain'n, Lucy, what follows is a cut-n-paste of an e-mail back-n-forth between the Beautiful Mrs.P and old Wollf,(me).
My response, all "tinged" with frustration at not being heard, came from her opening line. I had sent her a message letting her know that my Diagnosing Doc had contacted me and requested that she and I both come in and consult with him about my particular ADD, the effects of my "self meding" and get us both on the same page and trying to work out the past, and move into the future.....Together.
He makes no bones about wanting to get the family healed. Me neither. But, it takes two to really heal.
Anyhoo, her excerpted, (but exact),response to my request. The "whole" email has a bit too much in the way of family info, and no way do I want Anyone who is actually entertained by my style of writing, to know to much about the Pack. Just kiddin'! Kinda.
Her response:
"I can't imagine why Dr (REDACTED)would want to see us both so NO I don't want to
be a part of that. If he really has something to tell me he can email or
call me."
Right. Followed by Directions on what I needed to buy,(which items I had already bought), and where I had to have the cubs, when and with what. Signed off with a "Later, (NAME REDACTED).
I wrote back, probably in the most strong and clear language I've ever used with the Beautiful Mrs. P. Pay attention, folks....There truly will be a one word quiz at the end. If anyone wants to, I would Really appreciate the answer in the comments.
My E-mail back:
"That spells out your lack of interest Quite bluntly.
I definitely felt a bit of a chill when we "visited".
I'll take care of All the things a Dad needs to.
AND, I shall not become annoyed by the current tone you keep.
AND, it's because, although I thoroughly deserved the emotional beatings that you have given me, it' too late for more.
That horse is DEAD.
I'm friggin' Lost here, and I have nothing.
You show nothing but contempt for me. Fine, I Deserve to hurt.
You're afraid of something. Don't be. It seems You want out, and you don't want anything to sway you.
You're winning, I'm starting to lose hope.
It ISN'T an excuse...but it's,(at least to me), a friggin' Reason! And it's treatable, and controllable and I.......or we, have to accept that a lot of the Bullsh...I made you endure came out of it, and my inability to hear or act or talk or communicate or relate or be friggin' intimate with you because of it.
Without belittling any of the HURT I gave YOU at All, IT'S given ME a whole hell of a lot more pain than it has you!
Depression is FUN?
Wanting to Kill yourself is Fun?
Losing the woman that you Love is FUN?
Not being with your kids is FUN?
Drinking Just so it'll Shut he Eff up is FUN?
I'm more different now than you can imagine.
A chance, now that I can understand, that's all I'm wanting.
I'm, by the way, not Even angry with you.
I AM however about Truly Done with God's sick seeming sense of Cosmic Humor.
I feel like a lot of my friggin' LIFE has been wasted.
Yeah, I've always been able to see "Glimpses" of the Beauty, but not until Friggin' NOW have I been able to HOLD on to it!
I'm not sorry for writing this. I make up my Own mind on Everything I do Now.
I don't have a friggin' gazillion thoughts zinging around, spitting out Venomand half formed thoughts with little and sometimes no control.
I don't have to cover my feelings and emotions and thoughts because
I OWN them now.
My Love for you isn't going anywhere.
It's here to stay for a long time.
My Blog isn't going to be very funfilled tonite."
Wow, huh? The quiz question...and "maybe" I'l try to go all modern on ya by inserting a voting deali-bob;
What do YOU think? Was I Too Harsh? It just feels to me that she has made up her mind and NO way is she going to subject herself to "input" contrary to her Foregone Conclusion.
I'll try to Blog less Bummerish,(yes college peoples, I know I made that up, though I Did try to use it once in Scrabble).........later tonite.
Have some ice cream, answer the question; I can definitely use some "muggle" insight.
I'm starting to like you guys.....heh.
Thursday, September 6, 2007
Tuesday, September 4, 2007
Not sucha good one.........'cept the cubs.
not the Chicago Cubs........Had the boyz over. Schedules have changed. A bit frantic at first, gettin' lil' wolfie from school, over to Mrs.P's to practice his music real quick, then off to soccer. Dropped him, back to her haus to get big Mack, video store, back to soccer to get wolfie, Taco Bell.......a Dad's best friend, and then up to Walkabout for homework, dinner and a "way" stupid movie, before taking them both back to moms.
I've got LOTS to say 'bout the beautiful Mrs.P. tonite, but I'm not gonna share. This is definitely one for a serious session of meditation and reflection.
Nothing good will come out of this keyboard on that subject tonite. Time to nut up again, figure out Why I'm so bothered and take steps to correct it and move forward.
Anger and annoyance lead to frustration and resentment. Dealing with them for what they Really are, looking for the root cause of the Individual annoyance leads to enlightenment, and thus Understanding.
The new mantra is to "Overlook the moment of annoyance, be outspoken about what I feel, with Firmness, Kindness and Patience." Doesn't mean I can't or won't get pissed, just means that I'll work it through before reacting to it.
If you knew the old Wolf, you'd realize what a tall order this quest has been, and will continue to be for me. I would honestly prefer sometimes to be Much less enlightened and just kick the living shi-ite out of people.
Remember the old bumper sticker? The definition of Stress is that Horrible feeling that we get when we refrain from choking the living h-ll out of someone who desperately deserves it. Used to feel quite fine, in a shallow, uncivilized way when I neglected to refrain.
Lighter subject, then I'll go contemplate my navel.
Remember the movie above? I think as this log evolves, another fun thing to do,(for me, not necessarily you), is to do a weekly movie review, Wolf style. You'll get the insight of your semi average Joe America, keenly pointing out the nuances and entertainment value of new things at the cinema or the video store.
Tonite's Movie Revueooooooo!
Delta Farce: Starring a couple guys who I Love watching do standup on the Blue Collar series. Movie sucks. Not worth the four bucks. When the ten year old thinks something's Stooopid, well, all I can say is that the boy has discriminating taste. Thing even has a friggin' Bad Guy named.....Carlos Santana. AAIIEEEEE!, my EYES!!
End of Revue.
End of Blog.
Pass the salt.
G'nite anyone there..........
I've got LOTS to say 'bout the beautiful Mrs.P. tonite, but I'm not gonna share. This is definitely one for a serious session of meditation and reflection.
Nothing good will come out of this keyboard on that subject tonite. Time to nut up again, figure out Why I'm so bothered and take steps to correct it and move forward.
Anger and annoyance lead to frustration and resentment. Dealing with them for what they Really are, looking for the root cause of the Individual annoyance leads to enlightenment, and thus Understanding.
The new mantra is to "Overlook the moment of annoyance, be outspoken about what I feel, with Firmness, Kindness and Patience." Doesn't mean I can't or won't get pissed, just means that I'll work it through before reacting to it.
If you knew the old Wolf, you'd realize what a tall order this quest has been, and will continue to be for me. I would honestly prefer sometimes to be Much less enlightened and just kick the living shi-ite out of people.
Remember the old bumper sticker? The definition of Stress is that Horrible feeling that we get when we refrain from choking the living h-ll out of someone who desperately deserves it. Used to feel quite fine, in a shallow, uncivilized way when I neglected to refrain.
Lighter subject, then I'll go contemplate my navel.
Remember the movie above? I think as this log evolves, another fun thing to do,(for me, not necessarily you), is to do a weekly movie review, Wolf style. You'll get the insight of your semi average Joe America, keenly pointing out the nuances and entertainment value of new things at the cinema or the video store.
Tonite's Movie Revueooooooo!
Delta Farce: Starring a couple guys who I Love watching do standup on the Blue Collar series. Movie sucks. Not worth the four bucks. When the ten year old thinks something's Stooopid, well, all I can say is that the boy has discriminating taste. Thing even has a friggin' Bad Guy named.....Carlos Santana. AAIIEEEEE!, my EYES!!
End of Revue.
End of Blog.
Pass the salt.
G'nite anyone there..........
Monday, September 3, 2007
G'Nite, all
Well, it was a longer, more tiring day than I had planned and I'm just plain tuckered out.
I know, I know.....you're all Horribly disappointed. I said that jokingly, but for some reason the site is actually getting a few "hits" is what I think you call 'em. Heh, random stumblings into the sometimes Light and sometimes Dark Lair of the Wolf.
Gives me the heebie jeebies, and I'm the one writing this drivel. Heh.
Didn't have a chance to see any of the cubs, or the Beautiful Mrs.P today,for that matter.
Did I tell you I actually Hate, abhor, despise and am generally annoyed by the latest electronic rage? Can you guess? Ha, you're not even gonna try, 'cuz you know I'm gonna tell you whether you want me to, or not.
TEXT MESSAGING!!! Whose friggin idea of time well spent is This abomination? It was pretty much the only "acceptable" means of communication for Mrs.P and I for the first Two weeks of this separation.
You Never know if somebody gets your message Unless they respond. And you can guess how that went, trying to communicate with "recalcitrant" house.
Nobody uses the same shorthand, or they use a "word generator" and don't proofread before sending, so half the friggin time, I feel like some poor G-Dam Japanese Corporal tryin to break the Navaho Windtalker's code. Neer on never do I get the meaning of the message without guessing. And, as you would rightfully suppose, I often guess Wrong.
And....My friggin' thumbs are too big for this shi-ite. And after only a few back and forths....they seem to lock up on me.
Texting, dear readers is an abomination against our Most Holy. Well, maybe not, but I'm a Man, and I can't do it.........so there.
Eff Cel Phones anyway. They keep us in Too much instant contact. I turned mine off when I went hiking. Truly a freeing experience.
I'm going to bed.
Hugs all around,
Smoke 'em if you got 'em.
I know, I know.....you're all Horribly disappointed. I said that jokingly, but for some reason the site is actually getting a few "hits" is what I think you call 'em. Heh, random stumblings into the sometimes Light and sometimes Dark Lair of the Wolf.
Gives me the heebie jeebies, and I'm the one writing this drivel. Heh.
Didn't have a chance to see any of the cubs, or the Beautiful Mrs.P today,for that matter.
Did I tell you I actually Hate, abhor, despise and am generally annoyed by the latest electronic rage? Can you guess? Ha, you're not even gonna try, 'cuz you know I'm gonna tell you whether you want me to, or not.
TEXT MESSAGING!!! Whose friggin idea of time well spent is This abomination? It was pretty much the only "acceptable" means of communication for Mrs.P and I for the first Two weeks of this separation.
You Never know if somebody gets your message Unless they respond. And you can guess how that went, trying to communicate with "recalcitrant" house.
Nobody uses the same shorthand, or they use a "word generator" and don't proofread before sending, so half the friggin time, I feel like some poor G-Dam Japanese Corporal tryin to break the Navaho Windtalker's code. Neer on never do I get the meaning of the message without guessing. And, as you would rightfully suppose, I often guess Wrong.
And....My friggin' thumbs are too big for this shi-ite. And after only a few back and forths....they seem to lock up on me.
Texting, dear readers is an abomination against our Most Holy. Well, maybe not, but I'm a Man, and I can't do it.........so there.
Eff Cel Phones anyway. They keep us in Too much instant contact. I turned mine off when I went hiking. Truly a freeing experience.
I'm going to bed.
Hugs all around,
Smoke 'em if you got 'em.
Labor Day...
"The distinction between past, present, and future is only an illusion, however persistent"
Einstein
Whoa,Nellie. Philosophy. Physics. ADD. The scuttlebutt is that ol' Albert was high ADD. Same thing with Edison.
How did they stay on task long enough to do what they did? Hyperfocus? It happens when something REALLY strikes an ADD'ers fancy. Just wonderin', is all.
I learned something about self medding this mornin'. Seems my "muggle" patch, (for new readers, "muggle" is my Harry Potter reference to how all you "non-Wizards" think only one or two things at a time, heh), fell off yesterday sometime. I noticed the difference this morning when I got up, about 0530 to go check out some hiking trails for the cubs and I.
My mind was like the avatar that I respectfully "borrowed"up above. I put on the patch, drank two cups of coffee....Mistake....and now it feels like I'm on speed. The thoughts are back to focus, no prob there, but I'll know in the future to avoid too much coffee.
Anyway, solo hiked out a few miles of good trails for the cubs and I. Hid some stuff along the way and noted their geo-coodinates, and when it gets a bit cooler, I'll take 'em out and see if they can locate the goodies using compass, map and c-ords. I'm sure we'll have to fall back on my electronic geo-cheater, but hell........it'll be a lot of fun and they'll learn something too. Heh, heh, always an ulterior motive.
That's what I did this mornin'. I'll post again late tonight. Mebbe if you're lucky, I'll be mildly pissed and slightly amused by one of the days events.
It'd do me good not to blog relationship for once. Might just be enjoyable. I'll continue to vent the crap of course, but the whole point of this Blog is to step past the "where I was", and into the "who I AM". (anybody get the "what's your Name", Old Testament reference there?). Egoist? Nope, just realizing where the quest just "might" take my understanding.
Talk to you tonite.
Sunday, September 2, 2007
Saturday Night......and I'm friggin' Blogging....
"I have had more trouble with myself than with any other man I've met."
Dwight L. Moody
Definitely couldn't have said it better myself.
Had a real live face to beautiful face, (hers, not mine), with Mrs.P today. 45 minutes or so of enlightening.
Good stuff: She's feeling better about herself, stronger, more able to put her thoughts into words. She hasn't "shut the door" on the possibility of Us.
Not so good stuff: She's feeling better 'cuz I'm not there.
She understands that I'm not using the A-ADD as an excuse, that it's a "reason" and that underlying defect that I have is treatable. I think she saw the positive effect of the meds, meditation, counseling, sobriety and quest in our conversation.
It felt like a good start. We both care deeply about the other's health. We're Both on journeys of self revelation and acceptance. She "fell out of Love", doesn't know and doesn't really want to think about the possibility of falling back in Love right now.
Weird. I think I can accept that. It takes time, no matter what the final result.
I just have to nut up and Try...to have the patience to hang in there for the term of this. My cynical side is telling me that I'm just throwing my money and my time down a rat hole and that I should just do the old cut and run. If the big D word were to materialize, it won't hurt me financially.
Did I say Eff Toby Keith? Oh yeah, I guess I did.
20 years is a long time to throw away. Children are not immune to the pain. All I can do is be the New-Old much Improved guy that I am still becoming and keep the hope alive that this'll be the Guy she wants. No control over that.
Oh yeah, a new Eff you award, (I'll have to figure out a graphic for awarding it, kinda like the GOC in Atlanta, one of my fave Bloggers)
To whit: Eff Nascar! Now don't go getting your panties in a bunch, there's an explanation. I don't really have anything pesonal against the "lef turn only" crowd.
It's just that this relatively "hoh-haah" scrumptious lass saw me this morning at the store and did the ol, "Oh Wolfie, (obviously My name has been changed to protect the barely innocent),I feel Sooo bad for you about the separation....relatively chaste hug happens here....Why don't you come with me down to Fontana tonite?......bat's eyes here.....I have season box seats and we'd have Funnn!"
Editor's Note: Lotsa money, personality and looks, But No Friggin' Way!! Aaaagh. I was concerned in my pre-quest days about the beautiful Mrs.P. and shi-ite like that.
(not anymore, besides, she's gonna do what she's gonna do....we have no control over other people thoughts, actions or desires, children.)
Anyhoo, I politely declined the very nice (and friggin Tempting offer), and extricated myself from the predicament.
Why? Remeber your biology, children, Wolves are one of the few species that mate for life. Well, Wolf's only my Totem, but I Do mate for the life of my marriage.
Enough for the nite.....at least it was a bit lighter this time. Lil' Wolfie exhausted me over the last couple days. Fabulous time, but the old wolf needs a nap.
And....now you understand why.....Eff Nascar.
Dwight L. Moody
Definitely couldn't have said it better myself.
Had a real live face to beautiful face, (hers, not mine), with Mrs.P today. 45 minutes or so of enlightening.
Good stuff: She's feeling better about herself, stronger, more able to put her thoughts into words. She hasn't "shut the door" on the possibility of Us.
Not so good stuff: She's feeling better 'cuz I'm not there.
She understands that I'm not using the A-ADD as an excuse, that it's a "reason" and that underlying defect that I have is treatable. I think she saw the positive effect of the meds, meditation, counseling, sobriety and quest in our conversation.
It felt like a good start. We both care deeply about the other's health. We're Both on journeys of self revelation and acceptance. She "fell out of Love", doesn't know and doesn't really want to think about the possibility of falling back in Love right now.
Weird. I think I can accept that. It takes time, no matter what the final result.
I just have to nut up and Try...to have the patience to hang in there for the term of this. My cynical side is telling me that I'm just throwing my money and my time down a rat hole and that I should just do the old cut and run. If the big D word were to materialize, it won't hurt me financially.
Did I say Eff Toby Keith? Oh yeah, I guess I did.
20 years is a long time to throw away. Children are not immune to the pain. All I can do is be the New-Old much Improved guy that I am still becoming and keep the hope alive that this'll be the Guy she wants. No control over that.
Oh yeah, a new Eff you award, (I'll have to figure out a graphic for awarding it, kinda like the GOC in Atlanta, one of my fave Bloggers)
To whit: Eff Nascar! Now don't go getting your panties in a bunch, there's an explanation. I don't really have anything pesonal against the "lef turn only" crowd.
It's just that this relatively "hoh-haah" scrumptious lass saw me this morning at the store and did the ol, "Oh Wolfie, (obviously My name has been changed to protect the barely innocent),I feel Sooo bad for you about the separation....relatively chaste hug happens here....Why don't you come with me down to Fontana tonite?......bat's eyes here.....I have season box seats and we'd have Funnn!"
Editor's Note: Lotsa money, personality and looks, But No Friggin' Way!! Aaaagh. I was concerned in my pre-quest days about the beautiful Mrs.P. and shi-ite like that.
(not anymore, besides, she's gonna do what she's gonna do....we have no control over other people thoughts, actions or desires, children.)
Anyhoo, I politely declined the very nice (and friggin Tempting offer), and extricated myself from the predicament.
Why? Remeber your biology, children, Wolves are one of the few species that mate for life. Well, Wolf's only my Totem, but I Do mate for the life of my marriage.
Enough for the nite.....at least it was a bit lighter this time. Lil' Wolfie exhausted me over the last couple days. Fabulous time, but the old wolf needs a nap.
And....now you understand why.....Eff Nascar.
Saturday, September 1, 2007
Night time
Ok, so I've gone back and re-read my blogs. Seems, I have no sense of the word brevity.
Lil' Wolfie just laid down to sleep, so I have a chance to write. I do want to try to write something every night. Never could do that before.
Not gonna beat myself up tonight. I'm hoping that I'm done with that. I behaved badly in the past and in the process hurt some people that I didn't mind hurting.(sorry, simply the truh at the time). Unfortunately, I hurt the one person I would Never consciously want to hurt.
I can't change that. Wish I had a time machine and about six year's supply of "muggle" patches?
You can bet your a$$ on that one.
Am i gonna Dwell on the things I did, said or implied? Nope. Not any more. Too much stuff to do, and too little time to do it in.
I can't do this quest while dwelling in the past. I've got a whole new reality to explore, and with this treatment, I've got a whole new bag of tools to explore it with. I was put on this earth for a reason. I met and fell head over heels for the beautiful Mrs.P and Fathered her children for a reason.
I don't feel like living a life of despair. I got sucked into it for a while, but not any more. I gotta embrace a life of fullness.
Patience. With the quest. With the relationship. With my children. With my Wife. I think I can do all of these tasks. The most trying will be patience with the relationship.
Eff Toby Keith.
I don't want to get to the chorus of the song I heard him sing today. Yup, that one. It's a little too late. I hope it isn't, but I'll be one person who survives.
Goodnite, Mrs.P. I wish you sweet dreams and a softened heart.
Time to go outside and Howl a bit.
Lil' Wolfie just laid down to sleep, so I have a chance to write. I do want to try to write something every night. Never could do that before.
Not gonna beat myself up tonight. I'm hoping that I'm done with that. I behaved badly in the past and in the process hurt some people that I didn't mind hurting.(sorry, simply the truh at the time). Unfortunately, I hurt the one person I would Never consciously want to hurt.
I can't change that. Wish I had a time machine and about six year's supply of "muggle" patches?
You can bet your a$$ on that one.
Am i gonna Dwell on the things I did, said or implied? Nope. Not any more. Too much stuff to do, and too little time to do it in.
I can't do this quest while dwelling in the past. I've got a whole new reality to explore, and with this treatment, I've got a whole new bag of tools to explore it with. I was put on this earth for a reason. I met and fell head over heels for the beautiful Mrs.P and Fathered her children for a reason.
I don't feel like living a life of despair. I got sucked into it for a while, but not any more. I gotta embrace a life of fullness.
Patience. With the quest. With the relationship. With my children. With my Wife. I think I can do all of these tasks. The most trying will be patience with the relationship.
Eff Toby Keith.
I don't want to get to the chorus of the song I heard him sing today. Yup, that one. It's a little too late. I hope it isn't, but I'll be one person who survives.
Goodnite, Mrs.P. I wish you sweet dreams and a softened heart.
Time to go outside and Howl a bit.
Finishing the Friday blog
Well, what happened, it seems, is that I forgot to save before posting. Lost the second half!!
So, but for once in the interest of brevity....a synopsis of what was lost. Good thing the memory is better.
I've been a distant, depressed man for probably the last 5 years of my marriage to the beautiful Mrs.P. When my brother died, thanks to agent orange back in the 60's I kinda slid. Started thinking of all the things you do when mourning. The what if's and why's and of course the shocker to all men's systems of the realization of one's Own mortality.
Than my daughter, 3 1/2 years ago. I couldn't deal with it. Mrs.P tried to help in her way and I'm sure with all she could. All I heard was to basically nut up, get counseling and move on. She said she wasn't qualified to help me work through it. Honest woman. Unfortunately, I took that as rejection of my hurt.
Well, that's when I discovered that alcohol is another form of self medication. ADD causes sometimes unbearable background chatter in your head. Definitely unbearable when that chatter is about your little girl. Mind you, I rarely drank to excess, but every day, after work, 4 or 5 beers would shut up some of the thoughts.
Alcohol and untreated ADD, combined with a depressive state DO NOT MIX. Like a tee shirt we've all seen on a redneck, "Instant A$$hole, Just add Beer". When completely sober, even in the depressed state, I could usually see when I was going over the line. With the booze, the first thing to pop to mind from my subconscious comes out my mouth.
Everything's a Reaction instead of a thoughtful Response. It was hell for Mrs. P. I Couldn't see it. I really had no idea.
She wouldn't, couldn't express to me in ways I'd understand that my behaviour was unacceptable. She couldn't count on my Response. Sometimes I might be right on, but sometimes I was just plain Hurtful. She hid her feelings from me even more than her natural tendencies did.
Until the Nuke that we've discussed before. I'd been worried and scared and a bit angry at her for something "not to be discussed" on this blog, my depression was waning, and I Heard her.
BOOM. Here I am. Treated, undepressed, much more spiritual, patient, upbeat, energetic and Kind. A better place than I've ever been. Focused, understanding and slow to anger.
But , without the Love of my Life. All I can do is try to make these last years up to her. I don't think I can apologize any more.
Difficult thing for her to do, set aside the hurt I've caused her and just allow herself to experience me as I am now.
Difficult thing for me. I hope I'm up to this one year plan. I'm thinking straight now, but I can still sense that I'm not so good at seeing this through for a year long separation. I may be upbeat, and Better, but I still avoid emotional pain and move to something more comfortable.
That's one of the reasons for this blog. It's an outlet for my "Feelings". My way of Howling at the Moon. Sometimes in Despair. Sometmes in Joy. Sometimes sumpthin in between. It sems to help. AND, I remember to do it.
I've bailed out and run before. I don't want to do that again.
Try to love me, Mrs.P.
Gota get the cubs up and fed.
So, but for once in the interest of brevity....a synopsis of what was lost. Good thing the memory is better.
I've been a distant, depressed man for probably the last 5 years of my marriage to the beautiful Mrs.P. When my brother died, thanks to agent orange back in the 60's I kinda slid. Started thinking of all the things you do when mourning. The what if's and why's and of course the shocker to all men's systems of the realization of one's Own mortality.
Than my daughter, 3 1/2 years ago. I couldn't deal with it. Mrs.P tried to help in her way and I'm sure with all she could. All I heard was to basically nut up, get counseling and move on. She said she wasn't qualified to help me work through it. Honest woman. Unfortunately, I took that as rejection of my hurt.
Well, that's when I discovered that alcohol is another form of self medication. ADD causes sometimes unbearable background chatter in your head. Definitely unbearable when that chatter is about your little girl. Mind you, I rarely drank to excess, but every day, after work, 4 or 5 beers would shut up some of the thoughts.
Alcohol and untreated ADD, combined with a depressive state DO NOT MIX. Like a tee shirt we've all seen on a redneck, "Instant A$$hole, Just add Beer". When completely sober, even in the depressed state, I could usually see when I was going over the line. With the booze, the first thing to pop to mind from my subconscious comes out my mouth.
Everything's a Reaction instead of a thoughtful Response. It was hell for Mrs. P. I Couldn't see it. I really had no idea.
She wouldn't, couldn't express to me in ways I'd understand that my behaviour was unacceptable. She couldn't count on my Response. Sometimes I might be right on, but sometimes I was just plain Hurtful. She hid her feelings from me even more than her natural tendencies did.
Until the Nuke that we've discussed before. I'd been worried and scared and a bit angry at her for something "not to be discussed" on this blog, my depression was waning, and I Heard her.
BOOM. Here I am. Treated, undepressed, much more spiritual, patient, upbeat, energetic and Kind. A better place than I've ever been. Focused, understanding and slow to anger.
But , without the Love of my Life. All I can do is try to make these last years up to her. I don't think I can apologize any more.
Difficult thing for her to do, set aside the hurt I've caused her and just allow herself to experience me as I am now.
Difficult thing for me. I hope I'm up to this one year plan. I'm thinking straight now, but I can still sense that I'm not so good at seeing this through for a year long separation. I may be upbeat, and Better, but I still avoid emotional pain and move to something more comfortable.
That's one of the reasons for this blog. It's an outlet for my "Feelings". My way of Howling at the Moon. Sometimes in Despair. Sometmes in Joy. Sometimes sumpthin in between. It sems to help. AND, I remember to do it.
I've bailed out and run before. I don't want to do that again.
Try to love me, Mrs.P.
Gota get the cubs up and fed.
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